


set me free

by blkvelvets



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-08 01:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12244275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blkvelvets/pseuds/blkvelvets
Summary: seulgi wonders if she'll ever be able to breathe without the thought of joohyun right there beside her.





	1. the beginning

__

_“her hands are my home_

_her lips are my future_

_her eyes are my secrets_

_her whisper is my heart_

_her laugh is my heaven”_

♡

seulgi doesn’t completely hate her new high school. sure, it sucks to have to move to the other side of the country when you’re already about to enter your second to last year of high school, but it’s not like seulgi was even leaving anything behind, other than an empty locker, some bratty kids who would push her around in the lunchroom, and an ex-bestfriend. 

her new school is cramped and crowded, and to any other person that would be a bad thing, but seulgi finds herself enjoying the atmosphere– it’s easier to blend in like this. 

at a place like her old school, where there were only five other students in her grade, all the pressure is on you to succeed. everyone knows your name, your parents’ names, and their parents’ names, along with the names of every single pet you’ve had since you were three. everyone knows exactly what grade you got on your last exam, knows how long it’s been since the last time you went to the doctor’s office (because everyone goes to the same one), knows what you ate for dinner last night and the night before that, too. 

some people live for the small town stuff– it becomes their identity.

but seulgi? seulgi hates it.

no, she prefers her new school much better, even though she’s only been there for hours at most. here, no one knows her name. here, no one stops her in the hallway to ask how her mother is doing. here, teachers don’t shoot her concerned looks during classes. here, she doesn’t matter, and it’s such a strangely comforting thought.

this might the best thing that’s ever happened to her.

//

her first day goes as first days typically go.

she introduces herself to several people who nod and shake her hand and immediately forget her name. she walks past the groups of friends reuniting during lunch and elects to sit in the library, listening to music and sneaking in a ten-minute nap. after school, she walks to her new home, gives her mother the same answer to every question (“how was your day?” “fine.” “how were the teachers?” “fine.” “did you make any friends?” “fine.”) and dives onto her bed, only to sleep away the rest of the afternoon.

(she is technically not lying to her mother– everything at school was fine. nothing bad had happened, but nothing amazing had happened either. no drama, no staring kids– everything was fine.) 

the next day, she wakes up early and walks to school. 

(a tiny part of her is wondering when she got so comfortable being so alone.)

//

seulgi’s first friend is a girl in her grade named son seungwan.

maybe friend isn’t the right word. casual acquaintance? someone who sits next to her in all of her classes (whether seulgi wants her to or not) and chats her ear off? person whose company seulgi occasionally enjoys? seulgi’s never had friends before, just classmates. (unless you count jung soojung, but seulgi no longer wants anything to do with her– although that’s a story for another time.)

seungwan is in all of her classes, which is a little strange, but the slightly younger girl seems to have taken that as a reason as to why seulgi and seungwan _must_ become best friends– the universe has so dictated it, and, as seungwan says, the will of the universe must be followed.

(seungwan is a little weird, but she’s everyone’s friend, the kind of person who can strike up a conversation about the most minuscule things. seulgi envies her– she wishes she had that kind of personality.)

seungwan also says that the universe has dire consequences set in store for those who disregard its will, and who is seulgi to disagree? 

so, lest the universe take out its so-called dire consequences on seulgi, (or at least, that’s how seulgi justifies her affection for her younger classmate in her mind) seulgi and seungwan find themselves becoming fast friends, the kind who text each other throughout the day and call each other when they get home from school and soon enough, the two are inseparable.

(seungwan says that one day, the universe might try and tear them apart. seulgi would like to see it try.)

//

coincidentally, it’s through seungwan that seulgi meets her second friend– bae joohyun.

(once again, friend might not be the right word. joohyun is pretty but quiet, unspeaking and solemn and seulgi has no idea what she and seungwan could possibly have in common.)

they meet in the creative writing class they share with seungwan. their mutual friend excitingly introducing them after a long string of joohyun’s absences– it turns out that joohyun’s been out of town due to a death in the family, and seulgi isn’t quite sure what to say. 

she’s never been good at this stuff, always stumbling over her words and saying the wrong things at the wrong times. but she knows that she can’t possibly say nothing, not when seungwan’s already given her delicate and thought-out apology. 

“i’m sorry for your loss, joohyun,” seulgi bows her head and murmurs, the words tumbling out all stilted and rough, but apparently it’s good enough for joohyun, the older girl smiling and mumbling a “thank you” under her breath.

it’s the first time joohyun’s ever said anything to her, but her voice is so soft and so beautiful and seulgi doesn’t quite know what to do, because the last person who left such a similarly striking first impression was jung soojung; and, well, seulgi knows exactly how that ended up.

seungwan pushes their desks together into some strange triangle formation, and before seulgi knows it, joohyun becomes a staple at their table. seulgi had never noticed the other girl before seungwan’s forced introduction, but all of a sudden she’s a constant presence in seulgi’s life, always next to seungwan’s side.

joohyun is not unkind. joohyun always says the right things at the right times. joohyun is charismatic– not seungwan’s brand of loud and blaring charisma, more soft, more sweet, more incredibly joohyun. but joohyun and seulgi are not friends, (at least, not the same kind of friends as seungwan and seulgi or seungwan and joohyun) because when seungwan isn’t there, joohyun barely spares seulgi a single glance.

seulgi doesn’t know if she should feel offended or relived.

probably a little bit of both, but joohyun is popular and joohyun has better friends than her, so, really, she shouldn’t be so surprised. 

but she can’t lie– seulgi walks down the hallway and locks gazes with joohyun, and before she can say hi, joohyun’s eyes have already turned away. and it hurts more than it should.

//

seungwan is out with the flu for a solid five days, and everything changes.

at first, seulgi and joohyun’s conversations in creative writing are awkward and stifled, similar to the very first day they met. but they adapt, because joohyun is bored and no longer has seungwan to whisper her jokes to, and seulgi is more than willing to fill in for their missing friend.

the second day is better, but they’re not still completely comfortable with each other– joohyun tries her best though, and seulgi appreciates it. by the third day, they’ve exchanged phone numbers, by the fourth, they start walking to class together, and by the fifth, joohyun brushes her hand against seulgi’s and seulgi nearly jumps, because joohyun’s never seemed like the type to initiate skinship– but it’s not like seulgi hates it.

(yet another similarity joohyun shares with a certain someone– seulgi is beginning to think that seungwan is onto something when it comes to the universe having it out for her.)

seungwan comes back to school the following week, and for one singular scary moment, it almost feels like things are going to go back to how they were pre-seungwan’s five-day flu. but joohyun’s waiting for seulgi outside of her chemistry classroom to walk with her to creative writing, and that’s when seulgi realizes that things really have changed– she and joohyun are friends now, actual friends, the kind who share secrets and clothes and everything in between.

(they’re sitting in creative writing later that day when joohyun refers to seulgi as her new girlfriend, seungwan narrowing her eyes at them and shaking her head slowly. 

“since when did you two get so close?” she asks, still a little congested, and seulgi stifles a giggle at her nasal tone. 

“seulgi’s the cutest,” joohyun laughs, slinging an arm around seulgi’s shoulders– seulgi tries her best not to stiffen at the unexpected touch. “you just can’t resist her.”)

//

seulgi has two friends now, and she’s actually a little proud, despite breaking her unspoken rule to keep to herself. 

they go to the movies together after school and go shopping at the mall on weekends and seulgi won’t lie– it’s nice. it’s really nice. 

some things haven’t changed, though. seungwan is still loud and joohyun is still soft and they balance each other out perfectly– like seungwan’s on one side of a scale with joohyun on the other. it’s scary how well they fit each other, a perfectly chaotic tropical storm of a friendship. but where does seulgi fit in?

seulgi is quiet like joohyun, but not as bold and assertive in her affection. seulgi is funny and a sweetheart like seungwan, but definitely not as charismatic or confident. seungwan draws in hearts, joohyun keeps them there, but what does seulgi do?

nothing, she decides as she stares up at her bedroom ceiling one night. she does absolutely nothing. so why do joohyun and seungwan even bother to keep her around?

joohyun has other friends– she knows they exist, because joohyun eats lunch with them and seulgi sometimes sees them walking around in the hallways together. she knows their names,(yerim and sooyoung, sehun and bogum, frequent characters in joohyun’s elaborate stories) but she doubts they know hers. and seungwan has befriended the entire population of their high school– scratch that, there’s not a single person in the country who hasn't been charmed by her. (sure, that’s an exaggeration, but seulgi truly thinks that seungwan could stop a war with her smile.)

but isn’t this what seulgi wanted? to be unknown?

maybe she’s not as good at this lonely stuff as she thought she was.

(and then there’s the matter of her secret. how long will joohyun and seungwan stay after they find out the truth?)

//

seulgi doesn’t know when it starts– when her heart starts fluttering every time joohyun takes her hand in the hallway, petite hands slotting into hers like they were made for it. maybe that’s when she realizes it.

or maybe it’s that day in gym class, when they’re walking circles around the track and joohyun comes up behind her, wrapping her in a warm backhug as seulgi pretends to squirm to get joohyun to let go.

or it could have been that time in creative writing, when they had a substitute teacher and joohyun spent the entire class period on seulgi’s lap, doing her work on seulgi’s desk and ignoring seulgi’s complaints. 

it doesn't matter when it starts– the point is, seulgi’s heart does this strange thing when she’s around joohyun, when everything feels all light and beautiful and all she wants to do is be around joohyun forever. but that’s not all seulgi feels around joohyun– she feels the guilt and the shame, too, feels it every time joohyun laces their fingers together, feels it every time she doesn’t want joohyun to pull away.

this is wrong, this is gross, this is unnatural– _she’s_ unnatural. but that’s nothing she doesn’t already know. 

(it’s nothing jung soojung hasn’t already told her.)

//

“you seem like the kind of girl who has a lot of secrets, seul,” seungwan comments off-handedly over their shared jumbo sized popcorn as the three girls watch a movie at joohyun’s place over the weekend. 

seulgi nearly chokes on the popcorn kernels, joohyun’s hand instinctively flying to her back as she coughs– seulgi shamefully almost considers faking another attack to keep joohyun’s touch there as long as possible. “w-what do you mean?”

“dunno,” seungwan shrugs, eyes flitting back and forth between seulgi and the television screen. “you know, when we first met, i was kind of scared of you.”

“really?” seulgi asks, thinking back on the beginning of the school year– seungwan had certainly never acted scared. the younger girl was always the one who would seek her out, with her constant claims that they were predetermined by the universe to be best friends.

it’s practically a miracle that seulgi and seungwan have even made it this far, sitting on the couch together, seungwan’s head resting comfortably on her shoulder. seulgi had thought that seungwan was absolutely crazy– she still does, but now, seungwan is her kind of crazy. (not that she’ll ever admit that to her best friend.)

“what kind of girl do you think i am, seungwannie?” joohyun asks, batting her eyelashes in an attempt to charm the youngest– seungwan just scowls and pushes joohyun away lightly, already too used to her antics.

(seungwan and joohyun have been friends for years– after all, they’re neighbors. just another example of the bond seulgi knows she’ll never be able to infiltrate.)

“the kind with a lot of boyfriends,” seungwan retorts, and joohyun blushes, cheeks turning a visible light pink even in the darkened room– mostly because it’s true.

//

joohyun’s latest boyfriend’s name is suho, and seulgi doesn’t like him.

and, call her delusional, but it always seems like joohyun doesn’t like him either. they ignore each other in the hallways, joohyun preferring to walk with seulgi and seungwan over him. if seungwan thinks it’s strange, she doesn’t say anything, just brushes off seulgi’s questions.

“it’s just how joohyun is,” seungwan says, and that tells seulgi absolutely nothing. 

//

around four months into the school year, seulgi becomes very aware that what used to be a small little crush on bae joohyun has evolved into a full blown monster storm of feelings– and that’s bad, very bad, because if there’s one thing seulgi’s learned in her seventeen years of life, it’s that she cannot be trusted with her own emotions.

it hasn’t gotten to _help me i’m in lesbian love with my best friend_ levels yet, mostly because a) seulgi is not in love and b) joohyun is not seulgi’s best friend– that title is reserved for seungwan and seungwan alone.

(she wonders who joohyun would classify as her best friend– she eventually narrows it down to either seungwan or park sooyoung, the two people who have been in joohyun’s life the longest. joohyun’s the kind of person who has multiple best friends, though. guess there’s no competition there.

seulgi’s never had the pleasure of meeting sooyoung in person, and although seulgi has evolved and met more people over the course of her first few months at her new high school, she’s still a solitary soul at heart, preferring her own company over anyone else’s. but from what she’s heard from joohyun’s vague retellings of her day and seungwan’s old elementary school stories, sooyoung is brash like the ocean, young and bold and seulgi wonders what joohyun and sooyoung have in common, because joohyun is delicate and exquisite and nothing at all like the people she surrounds herself with.)

but the biggest sign so far that seulgi has fallen deeper than she’s intended to is the notebook sitting on her bedroom desk in front of her, gone untouched ever since the whirlwind that was jung soojung had swept into her life and left no facet undisturbed. 

there are a few pages covered in messy scrawl and black ink here and there, words that seulgi thought she’d never see again laid bare in front of her, confessions and secrets and promises that weigh heavy on her heart. and, truth be told, seulgi doesn’t even know why the notebook is still in her room– she could have sworn she threw it out the day after jung soojung broke her heart.

because every word in the notebook carries soojung’s heartbeat in it, every stanza of every poem written with soojung’s eyes in mind. every single page lays seulgi’s heart out in bold letters, and seulgi almost feels like throwing up, because she can still remember the look on soojung’s face when she found it.

and then, after all of the pages with the flowery words that seulgi can no longer recognize, every page is blank. all covered in white space, no more declarations of love written at three in the morning, no more flirty prose that seulgi never got the chance to voice out loud. 

(soojung was her muse, her inspiration, her voice. and then soojung leaves and seulgi forgets how to write, forgets how to sing. her vocabulary shrinks down into the second grade basics, her heart beats slowly and, sometimes, not at all.

and then she meets bae joohyun, and for the first time in months, she can’t stop writing.)

//

seulgi wonders if she’s being selfish.

is it selfish to enjoy joohyun’s fleeting touches more than she should? is it selfish to relish in one-sided affection, to cherish those moments when suho isn’t around and all of joohyun’s attention is on her?

joohyun is breathtakingly beautiful and joohyun is kind and sweet and, worst of all, straight– but is it selfish for seulgi to ignore that pesky little detail, to close her eyes and pretend that it’s her, not suho, that joohyun’s kissing?

joohyun doesn’t have to know. joohyun will never know.

so maybe seulgi can be selfish for just a little bit longer.

//

seungwan is as surprised as seulgi is once suho and joohyun’s five month anniversary rolls around.

“this is her longest relationship,” seungwan confides over lunch at the restaurant that her parents run. “seriously, i thought they would barely last a week.”

“don’t you think it’s strange?”

“what’s strange?”

“they don’t act like they’re together at school,” seulgi says, recalling all those moments at school where suho and joohyun walk past each other in the hallways like they’ve never seen each other before in their lives. “it’s like joohyun’s–“

“it’s like joohyun’s what?” joohyun’s melodic voice comes out of nowhere and seulgi nearly jumps, wondering how much the older girl has already heard.

(and of course, wherever joohyun is, suho is close behind, wrapping his arms around her waist and leaning down to rest his chin on her shoulder– seulgi tries her best not to stare.)

“it’s like joohyun’s been neglecting her friends for her boyfriend,” seungwan answers, seulgi letting out a soft sigh of relief, glad that seungwan has the sense to immediately cover for her. “oh, hey suho,” she adds as an afterthought, seulgi stifling a laugh with the palm of her hand.

joohyun narrows her eyes and, for a moment, it looks like she’s about to fight back– but then suho mumbles something into her neck and she sighs, dropping her defensive stance. “seungwan-ah,” she coos instead, smiling at the seated girl softly. “i was wondering if–“

“nope,” seungwan declares before joohyun can finish her sentence. “no discount for you.”

“son seungwan!” joohyun exclaims, completely abandoning her shy and sweet persona. “i am your longest and closest friend, if anyone deserves a discount, it’s me–“

“sorry, joohyun,” seungwan giggles, unable to resist laughing at the older girl’s bewildered expression. “but i think your boyfriend can pay. right, suho?”

suho’s eyes widen comically and seungwan and seulgi almost lose it, seulgi burying her face in her hands and shaking in silent laughter while seungwan cackles– they have to relish in this moment while they still can, because they both know perfectly well that joohyun will absolutely tear into them when suho leaves. 

joohyun mumbles what sounds like a strand of curse words under her breath and pulls suho away to a table on the opposite side of the room, glaring at her two friends as she storms away. seulgi almost feels a little bad for laughing, because suho is friendly and treats irene well, and suho doesn’t deserve to be the butt of seungwan’s jokes– but suho has what seulgi cannot and she doesn’t think she’ll ever quite be able to come to terms with that.

//

another month comes and goes, almost as fast as the ones before, and seulgi’s days become filled with poetry and joohyun and staying afloat amid all of her self-pity, because there’s only so much joohyun she can take before she dies out of pure frustration. 

and something’s changed with joohyun too, she can feel it, because joohyun has started to make excuses in order to spend just a little more time with seulgi and seungwan, and it’s strange– it almost feels like she’s avoiding something. maybe someone? 

but joohyun isn’t the kind of person who enjoys drawing attention to her personal conflicts, so maybe that’s why seulgi doesn’t notice that joohyun is hanging out with seulgi and seungwan more than usual, or why seulgi doesn’t bat an eyelash when joohyun and sooyoung walk past each other in the hallway and don’t spare each other a single glance. 

but something is happening, she’s sure of it. and, not for the first time, she wishes joohyun would just get over her pride and confide in her, because joohyun’s eyes are full of sadness more often than not, and seulgi could write poems upon poems about the way that hesitation fills the air around the girl she is in love with– because that’s what it is now. love.

//

seulgi gets up to go to the bathroom one day during chemistry, and when she comes back, her notebook is gone.

panic seizes at her heart and she scans the room around her frantically, because that notebook hides her deepest and darkest secret, and in the wrong hands, it will ruin her life– it’s already happened once. it can’t happen again.

and then she sees seungwan across from her, and her heart sinks, because seungwan is reading over seulgi’s notebook in front of her and, god, it should have been anyone but her. because seulgi knows that she could handle the disapproving glares and the nasty comments from anyone, _anyone_ except seungwan. 

but then seungwan just slides the notebook across the table towards seulgi quietly, mumbling an apology under her breath, and seulgi can’t stop the confused expression from making its way onto her face. because seungwan only looks ashamed of herself for snooping– because seungwan isn’t reacting in complete and total visceral disgust.

(“is this.. is this about me?” seulgi can hear soojung’s voice ringing in her ears like they’re still laying down on her bed, soojung picking up the notebook on the ground and opening it to its first page before seulgi can stop her.

seulgi swallows and turns away, because soojung is staring at her like she’s never seen her before in her life. “no,” she lies, praying that it’s not too late– that their friendship can still be saved.

“oh my god,” soojung breathes, flipping to another page in the book. “seulgi, you– all of this, is it all about me?”

“no.” another lie.

soojung drops the notebook back onto the floor (seulgi flinches at the sound) and jumps off of the bed, picking up her backpack and slinging it over her shoulder. “seulgi,” she pleads. “you’re not.. you can’t be– please, just tell me it’s not true.”

“i’m in love with you,” seulgi bites her lip and turns back around to face soojung– she immediately regrets it, because she can’t see anything except disgust painted across soojung’s pretty face.

“s-seulgi,” soojung takes a step back, shaking her head frantically, like this is some bad dream she can’t wait to escape. “you can’t– we’re both girls, i mean, it’s _wrong_.”

“i know.”)

but seungwan just reaches across the table to hold seulgi’s hand, the older girl’s eyes glazing over with tears threatening to fall, because she can’t lose her bestfriend again, not like this. “it’s okay, seul,” seungwan says, rubbing her thumb across the back of seulgi’s hand reassuringly. “i didn’t know that you’re gay– but it’s okay.”

and, god, those two little words mean so much to her; it takes seulgi nearly half of class to compose herself, because it’s all she’s ever wanted to hear– it’s okay.

everything is going to be okay.

//

“let’s play a game,” joohyun suggests one day in creative writing, propping her elbows up on seulgi’s desk and resting her chin on the top of her fists.

“uh, okay,” seulgi breathes– it’s getting harder and harder to think when she’s around joohyun. clearly a bad sign. “what kind of game?”

“a fun one,” joohyun proclaims. “an exchange of secrets.” 

seulgi nearly chokes on nothing when she hears those words– seungwan couldn’t have told joohyun the truth about seulgi, seungwan would never betray her like that. but joohyun’s eyes are glinting wickedly under the bright classroom lighting and seulgi is so very scared.

“s-sure,” she manages to croak out, wiping her suddenly sweaty palms on her desk while scrambling for a secret that’s socially acceptable to tell. “you go first.”

joohyun leans in and whispers– “i’m in love.”

seulgi frowns, because duh, anyone with eyes knows that joohyun and suho are absolutely head over heels crazy for each other. that’s not a secret–

“with a girl.”

//

joohyun gleefully updates seulgi after class is over, seulgi’s untold secret forgotten as they walk through the hallways to joohyun’s locker.

“s-sooyoung?” seulgi asks, mind racing at 100 miles per hour, because joohyun is in love with a girl– a _girl_. joohyun likes girls, and seulgi thinks that she could scream about this recent development for hours. so what if the girl isn’t her? joohyun likes girls, and for once, seulgi feels like she’s on top of the world. “you like sooyoung? _park_ sooyoung?”

“in love with,” joohyun corrects her, pushing a few notebooks into her locker, exchanging them for a heavy textbook that seulgi immediately holds for her. “i’m in love with sooyoung.”

“what happened?” seulgi inquires, slowing down her usual pace as the girls exit the school building to accommodate joohyun’s shorter legs. “does she know?”

for a moment, joohyun’s face falls– seulgi barely catches it. but then the bright smile is back on joohyun’s face, almost as fast as it left. “yeah, she does.”

seulgi’s about to question her more, ask about when exactly this started, about how sooyoung found out. but then suho appears, throwing his arm around joohyun and leaning in for a gentle kiss. “ready to go, baby?” he asks, taking her hand when she nods. “oh, hey seulgi, want a ride?”

“no thanks,” she says politely, smiling at suho anyways– he’s always been a nice guy. “i have to go find seungwan.”

“text me, seul!” joohyun grins before turning away, letting suho guide her away towards his car.

(seulgi doesn’t have to go find seungwan– that’s a lie, she always works at her parent’s restaurant on fridays. but she does have to wait for her dad to come and pick her up from school. so she has plenty of time to think, mostly about joohyun and how there’s no guilt in her eyes when she’s kissing suho.)

//

joohyun texts seulgi as soon as she gets home, gushing about sooyoung and sooyoung only. seulgi begins to get glimpses at bits and pieces of what happened– explanations about joohyun’s strange recent behavior finally starting to click.

1\. joohyun confessed her feelings to sooyoung about a month back. sooyoung was flattered, but ultimately, rejected her best friend– that doesn’t seem to be too much of a problem to joohyun, though, the older girl insisting that she was going to win sooyoung over eventually.

2\. joohyun has zero plans to inform suho of her recent self-discovery. it’s only going to create unnecessary drama, joohyun reasons, and besides, it’s only a matter of time before he finds out; leading seulgi to her next point.

3\. joohyun is currently very friendless, because sooyoung told yeri and yeri told sehun and sehun told bogum– and now, joohyun’s found herself with a friend group of approximately zero. so suho will inevitably find out, and when he does, joohyun will explain herself and everything will be fine.

seulgi searches for a kind way to say that joohyun’s delusional.

she doesn’t find one, so instead she tells joohyun that she gets it (she does not get it, because sooyoung seems to be the furthest from interested and seulgi will never understand the value in chasing after your best friend, not after soojung) and tells her that she’s available whenever joohyun wants to talk. it’s slightly masochistic, because she really shouldn’t be volunteering to hear the girl she’s in love with talk about the girl that _she’s_ in love with, but seulgi’s long since accepted the fact that joohyun’s blind to her feelings.

and, anyway, that’s what friends are for, right?

but there’s only so much that seulgi can take, so when joohyun texts her late at night, telling her that she likes suho, but she loves sooyoung, seulgi gives her honest advice– break up with suho if that’s how you really feel.

(because really, not even her obvious bias for joohyun can blind seulgi from how suho’s being played here– all crazy over a girl who barely even has eyes for him.)

joohyun agrees, telling seulgi that she’ll break up with him tomorrow.

spoiler alert: she doesn’t. not tomorrow, not the day after that, not even the week after.

and maybe that should have been seulgi’s first warning sign.


	2. the middle

_“and i can’t feel my fingertips_  
but you feel better when we touch  
fill me up, keep me hot  
use me up of all i’ve got” 

♡

before anyone knows it, spring break is upon them, and seulgi’s parents whisk her off to korea for the holiday. normally, she’d be more than willing to embark on a family trip back to her parents’ hometown, but joohyun is staying back home, and there’s nothing seulgi wants more than to keep her company.

(because, no matter what joohyun tries to tell her and seungwan, seulgi knows the truth– joohyun is lonely. lonelier than she’s ever been in her life, because all of her friends have abandoned her all at once, and seulgi doesn’t know how joohyun still manages to go on.

because seulgi lost soojung, but joohyun’s lost sooyoung and yeri and sehun and bogum all at once, and she can’t even begin to imagine how that must feel.)

the time difference is rough, but seulgi’s no stranger to staying up into the early hours of the morning– and, anyway, it’s worth it if it means being there for joohyun. so what if dark circles start forming under her eyes, so what if she stares at her phone for hours at night waiting for joohyun to call?

“you’re all i have, seulgi,” joohyun says one day over the phone, voice cracking a little and seulgi just knows that she’s trying her hardest not to cry– if there’s one thing seulgi’s been picking up lately, it’s joohyun’s absolute unwillingness to show weakness. but joohyun sounds so devastated and it almost makes seulgi think that the older girl is finally coming to her senses– that she’s beginning to realize that sooyoung really doesn’t love her back, that she’s lost most of her friends and there’s no more living in the little fantasyland she’s invented for herself. “seulgi, promise me– you won’t leave, right?”

“never,” seulgi murmurs into the phone from the other side of the ocean. “i’ll never leave.”

(three words that seulgi will eventually come to regret– three words that seulgi can never take back.)

but that doesn’t matter, not when joohyun spends hours on the phone with her every night, updating her on the current state of affairs back home. seungwan is in canada for spring break, a fact that joohyun frequently brings up when lamenting on her days spent alone in her house– she’s insistent that seungwan could have fit her into her luggage, instead of leaving her to die of boredom in their hometown.

seulgi points out that joohyun’s plan is unrealistic and, potentially, deadly. joohyun tells her that it’s the thought that counts.

(joohyun has a lot of unrealistic plans, seulgi learns. the most unattainable plan, of course, is the one joohyun updates her on every night– the Big Plan to get sooyoung to fall in love with her.)

“sooyoung liked my last post on instagram,” joohyun hums, seulgi hearing the familiar whistle of the teapot as joohyun brews her morning cup of tea. “she commented and said i looked pretty. do you think it means anything?”

seulgi wants to tell joohyun the truth, that it means nothing– that sooyoung’s stringing her along and joohyun’s letting herself get played, the same way she’s playing suho. but instead she stifles a yawn and settles on a white lie. “it might. have you guys been talking more lately?”

“i guess,” there’s a pause, and seulgi can just barely make out the sound of joohyun taking a sip of her hot tea. “you know, i really think that she’s going to change her mind. she’s going to give me a chance, i can feel it.”

“i’m sure she will.” it’s a lie, and they both know it.

“i need to go soon,” joohyun says, changing the topic away from sooyoung abruptly. “suho’s picking me up. we’re going on a date.”

ah, yes, suho. joohyun’s boyfriend of six months, now. seulgi’s almost forgotten that he exists– sooyoung’s the only name that comes out of joohyun’s mouth anymore. “joohyun–“

“i know, i know,” she sighs, taking another sip of her tea– this is an unspoken conversation she and seulgi have had a million times before. “i’m going to do it soon, i promise.” 

seulgi doesn’t say anything, just sighs quietly and transfixes her eyes on the ceiling fan rotating above her head, letting the silence rest comfortably between them. it’s been a long day– she was outside all day long, sightseeing with her cousins and honestly, nothing sounds more tempting than a good night’s sleep. 

nothing except for joohyun, that is.

“i know you’re tired,” said girl speaks up over the rustling of clothes– probably getting ready for her date with suho. “get some sleep, seulgi. seriously, you need to take care of yourself too, you know–“

“i’m fine,” seulgi protests, ignoring the way her heart flutters at the worry in joohyun’s voice. “i’m a night owl, joohyun, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“i do worry about you though,” joohyun admits quietly. “i always worry about you.”

“w-why?”

“because you have secrets,” joohyun says, and seulgi’s heart nearly stops– they haven’t revisited this topic since joohyun confessed her love for park sooyoung last month. “and it’s not good to keep them all to yourself, you know.”

and for one scary moment, seulgi actually considers telling joohyun everything, from the moment she set eyes on jung soojung to the moment when she realized how deeply in love she is with the girl she’s on the phone with– she wants joohyun to know everything, wants joohyun to know that she is the first thing on seulgi’s mind when she wakes and the last thing on her mind when she falls asleep.

“joohyun,” she breathes, but then the doorbell rings from the other side of the phone call and joohyun squeaks, mumbling an apology under her breath as she rushes to answer the door.

“sorry, seul, that’s suho,” she says– seulgi doesn’t need to see her to know that she’s scrambling to slide on her shoes, hand already on the door handle before realizing that she’s forgotten her keys. it’s happened in front of seulgi’s very eyes more often than joohyun would like to admit. (it’s absolutely adorable.) “but don’t think i’ve forgotten about this! you owe me a secret.”

“of course,” seulgi smiles, turning off the lights in her room as the darkness settles around her. “goodnight, joohyun.”

“night, seulgi.”

“i love you,” seulgi says– but joohyun’s already hung up the phone.

//

seulgi doesn’t think she’s ever written more in her life. she just sits down and the words start flowing out of her pen, doesn’t even have to think before joohyun’s beauty is transcribed all over the page.

ideas come to her everywhere– on the train, when she’s about to drift off to sleep, sometimes even when joohyun is right there in front of her.

and all seulgi can think about is the beautiful poetry that lays in her eyes, all of the stories that seulgi yearns to tell about the way that joohyun can make you feel like the only person in the world who even matters. because joohyun is enchanting– no, that’s not the right word.

joohyun is all-consuming.

(seulgi imagines that joohyun’s lips taste like everything she cannot have.)

(she imagines that they taste like fiery obsession, forbidden candy and dark secrets, and, worst of all– temptation.)

//

“did joohyun tell you about–“

“about sooyoung?” seulgi finishes seungwan’s sentence, keeping her voice down as to not disturb her sleeping relatives– the time difference between seungwan and seulgi is even more extreme than the one between seulgi and joohyun. “crazy, right?”

“i know!” seungwan laughs. “out of everyone, i can’t believe it’s _sooyoung_ that she went and fell in love with.”

“you’re friends with her, right? sooyoung?”

“i guess,” seungwan hums, the sound of eggs frying in the background– seulgi must have called as she was making breakfast. “we all just kinda grew up together. but then we went to high school, and sooyoung went one way and i went the other. it’s not like we aren’t friends anymore or anything. but we’re not close. not in the way that joohyun and sooyoung are.”

“were.”

“what?”

“the way that joohyun and sooyoung were.”

“right. were.”

“you know sooyoung told all of her friends?” seulgi continues, teeth biting into her bottom lip as she recounts what joohyun’s told her in hushed whispers. “she completely outed her. and joohyun didn’t even _do_ anything. her only crime was falling in love with the wrong person.”

“that doesn’t sound like sooyoung,” seungwan frowns– well, at least, seulgi _thinks_ she’s probably frowning. her best friend intuitions have improved. seungwan would be proud.

“that’s what joohyun told me,” seulgi insists, turning over in her bed to lay on her back. “god, i hate her.”

“you hate joohyun? i thought you were in love with her–“

“i’m talking about sooyoung, stupid,” seulgi rolls her eyes playfully– seungwan can’t see her, but she doesn’t care. (truthfully, she misses seungwan. a lot. her days have been taken up by her family and her nights occupied by joohyun– she’s barely gotten the chance to talk to seungwan all break.) “i absolutely despise park sooyoung.”

“you act like she killed your pet hamster, seul.”

“she doesn’t know what she’s missing,” seulgi continues on like she hasn’t heard seungwan (she doesn’t even have a pet hamster), picking at the frayed ends of her comforter. “she doesn’t even know how lucky she is.”

“have you even met sooyoung? like, have you ever even had a conversation with her?”

“no. but that’s besides the point, wan. i still hate her.” 

“whatever, seulgi,” seulgi can hear the exasperation evident in seungwan’s voice, and, suddenly, she feels very guilty– even more so when she checks the duration of the call and it turns out seulgi’s been ranting about the Joohyun Situation for the better half of an hour.

but she can’t help it. joohyun is all she can ever think about.

(what was she occupied with before joohyun came into her life and stole her breath away? seulgi can’t even remember.

shouldn’t she be able to remember?)

//

spring break is over almost as fast as it began, and seulgi wishes she could say she’s disappointed. 

(because, really, what teenager should be _this_ excited about going back to school?)

but going back to school means going back to joohyun, and how could seulgi ever not be excited about that? going back to school means going back to holding hands in the hallways, back to joohyun waiting for her at her locker everyday, back to laying her head on joohyun’s lap when they’re supposed to be running a mile in gym and letting the older girl stroke her head and play with her hair. 

(going back to school also means going back to exams and quizzes and tests and textbooks that weigh more than her entire friend group combined. but when was the last time seulgi prioritized any of that stuff over joohyun?)

“seulgi!” joohyun yells on their first day back– she’s standing right next to seulgi’s locker, as expected. before seulgi can even raise a hand in a greeting, joohyun’s slammed into her, wrapping the smitten girl in a huge (and way too close for comfort) bear hug. “i’ve missed you,” her lips nearly graze seulgi’s ear and suddenly, seulgi doesn’t know how to speak.

“seul?” she pulls back after the lack of response, smiling and pinching one of seulgi’s cheeks. “aw, you’re red. so cute.”

“i missed you too, joohyun,” seulgi manages to stammer out, burying her face in joohyun’s shoulder to hide her embarrassment– who needs to know if she craves to brush her lips over the skin left uncovered there? “so much.”

//

“you guys suck,” seungwan groans from the end of the bed, flipping to another page in her math textbook. “come on, focus.”

seulgi cannot focus, because joohyun’s head is on her shoulder and her hand is resting on seulgi’s thigh and they’re sitting on joohyun’s bed, backs against the headboard– how could she ever focus on their math project with joohyun leaning on her like this? “i want to take a nap,” she announces, setting her notebook aside and relaxing into the mattress, joohyun sinking down into it alongside her. 

seungwan mutters something about useless friends and scribbles something down on her paper, only for her pencil to go flying through the air, kicked out of her hand by joohyun’s foot. “joohyun, i was writing something–“

“come here, seungwan,” joohyun smiles, patting the space next to her. “come take a nap with us.”

(seulgi does not want seungwan to take a nap with them– she wants joohyun all to herself. but seungwan is her best friend, so seulgi grumbles a bit internally and scoots over to make room.)

seungwan settles down next to joohyun a little awkwardly– seulgi’s too occupied with savoring the feeling of joohyun pressing into her front to notice how seungwan shifts to ensure that no part of her is touching joohyun.

if seulgi was a little less distracted, maybe she would notice that seungwan doesn’t melt into their cuddles and warm embraces like she usually does. maybe she would notice that seungwan flinches when joohyun wraps an arm around her waist.

but she doesn’t– and that’s how seulgi misses the second warning sign.

//

“what did you write about for the poetry assignment?” joohyun asks as she and seulgi head down the hallway to the courtyard where they eat lunch, swinging their hands together as they walk. 

“nothing special,” seulgi hums, adjusting the heavy textbook cradled in her free arm– joohyun’s heavy textbook. “just some stuff about nature.”

(a blatant lie. seulgi had written about joohyun in the most abstract terms possible– written about secret desires and late night phone calls and craving for someone you can never have. but she can’t tell joohyun that, of course.)

“me too,” joohyun beams, looking at seulgi with those beautiful brown eyes, and, god, seulgi’s never been more in love. 

(falling in love with soojung was one thing. soojung was everything seulgi wasn’t, everything seulgi wished she could be. but joohyun is different, so different.)

a familiar flash of hair darts down the hallway near them and seulgi scowls, squeezing joohyun’s hand in hers protectively. _that_ shade of red and _that_ backpack can only mean one thing–

“what’s wrong?”

“nothing,” seulgi says, relaxing slightly as the girl she has her eyes on walks into a nearby classroom. “just sooyoung.”

“sooyoung?” joohyun laughs breezily (seulgi could listen to that laugh for hours), hands still intertwined as they walk down the hallway. “don’t worry about sooyoung. i’ve found someone new.”

seulgi’s ashamed to say that she nearly trips over her own two feet when she hears those words– someone new, someone new, _someone new_.

someone who is not park sooyoung. someone who could very well be herself– is joohyun’s heart beating as fast as seulgi’s right now? 

( _can you feel it?_ she wants to ask, wants to look deep into joohyun’s eyes until she sees her love reflected there. _can you finally understand me, joohyun?_ )

“i’m glad,” seulgi says instead, offering joohyun a warm smile that the older girl immediately returns. “you deserve better than her.”

“you’re right,” joohyun sighs– it’s not a sad sigh, or the kind of sigh that escapes joohyun’s lips when she’s surrounded by textbooks in the library and piles of homework. 

it sounds like relief– like joohyun’s finally come home, like a heavy weight has been lifted off of her petite shoulders. 

seulgi just has to wonder who exactly joohyun’s come home to. (but, maybe, if she closes her eyes and prays hard enough, it can be her.)

//

it’s nearing the end of may and seulgi’s decided that she’s had enough of wallowing in self-pity. 

the night makes bad ideas seem like fantastic ones– maybe that’s why the idea of confessing, when it comes to her at three in the morning, sounds like such an amazing plan. what could go wrong?

seulgi’s never been good at arithmetic, but she does the quick math in her head. joohyun has gotten over sooyoung. joohyun likes someone new. joohyun is more physically affectionate than usual. that all adds up to one (slightly dubious) possibility– seulgi might be the person joohyun’s chasing. seulgi might be the _‘someone new’_.

maybe it’s wishful thinking. 

but joohyun has this way of looking at seulgi like she’s all she can ever think about, and seulgi finds herself entranced in her eyes, in the possibilities, in the chances and whispers and dreams that she just can’t let go of. 

can she afford to take the chance? can she lay her heart bare and pray to every god there is that bae joohyun is not as cruel as jung soojung?

(where soojung was stinging and raw, joohyun is melodic and sweet, like a soft ballad that you can never get out of your head.)

the prospect of happiness, the prospect of joohyun, of what she’s always wanted so badly is so ridiculously tempting– so tempting that she nearly forgets one basic fact.

joohyun is still dating suho.

(seungwan tells her that confessing is a bad idea. that joohyun is dating someone who is not seulgi, and that nothing good can come from this. but seulgi can’t accept that, because she wants joohyun and joohyun acts like she wants her, so who is seungwan, really, to try and tear them apart?)

//

seulgi doesn’t know if she should feel disappointed or elated, dispirited or overjoyed.

(she feels so inexplicably strange– like she’s on cloud nine, but the looming feeling of dread is beating down on her and the clouds underneath her feet are close to giving way.)

the anxiety is clawing deep within her chest and it’s driving her insane, because she should be so ridiculously excited right now– all she’s ever wanted is coming true. everything she’s ever dreamed about is suddenly a reality. 

because joohyun had smiled and taken her hands and said those words seulgi’s been waiting for all this time– _“i like you too.”_

they sounded just as good– no, even better than they did in her dreams. it almost felt like something out of a fairytale, the way that joohyun had looked into her eyes and said those words with such passionate emanating through her voice.

(and maybe that’s the worst part, how it felt like a fairytale. because seulgi has never believed in fairytales– fairytales are fake, manufactured stories reeking of faux happiness. because joohyun said the right words in the right ways, but when seulgi looked into her eyes, she didn’t see the love she expected to see reflected there.

no– when seulgi looked into joohyun’s eyes, all she saw were her lies.)

//

seulgi’s in english class, her first class of the day, when it happens– when her entire life gets torn down before her eyes.

(“wan-ah, can i use your phone to look something up? i didn’t charge mine last night.” “what’s mine is yours, seulgi, you don’t have to ask.”)

seulgi types in the password (0221– seungwan’s birthday. so predictable.) and opens the phone and before she can look up the exact definition of _nugatory_ , she sees them– the text messages.

they aren’t just text messages– they’re love confessions, flowery and tumbling off the screen in sugary platitudes. and seulgi’s about to laugh and tease her best friend about whoever it is that can’t stop proclaiming their affection for her when she sees it. the name at the top of the screen.

 _joohyun_.

and, suddenly, all of the air in seulgi’s lungs is knocked out of her chest and the classroom feels oddly suffocating around her and she almost drops seungwan’s brand new phone on the linoleum floor– her eyes are moistening with tears because no, this cannot be happening, the two most important people in her life cannot be doing this– whatever _this_ is – not when they both know how seulgi feels.

“seul?” seungwan’s voice, the _traitor’s_ voice, cuts though seulgi’s quickly spiraling thoughts– she places her hand over seulgi’s and seulgi has to fight the urge to tear it away. “you okay?”

“yeah,” seulgi says, hoping that her slightly shaky voice doesn’t betray what she knows– doesn’t give away the fact that she’s seen it all. “yeah, i’m fine.”

(she is not fine. anger is coursing through her veins and her heart is beating faster than it ever has in her life and she just wants to cry, wants to barricade herself in the bathroom and avoid both of her so-called friends for the rest of her life.

because what has she ever done to them to deserve this? she’s bared her soul to seungwan and joohyun, told them everything there is about her, been there for them on their worst days and on their best days– and this is what she gets in return?

betrayal?

seulgi’s eyes glance involuntarily at the messages once again and suddenly she’s reminded of what seungwan used to say– one day, the universe would try to tear them apart.

and, for once, she thinks that the universe might succeed.)

//

she nearly succeeds in avoiding the duo for the rest of the day. it’s considerably difficult with seungwan– they share all of their classes, after all, but the younger girl’s been much too occupied with her phone to pay any attention to how seulgi sits as far away from her as possible in every class. 

( _seungwan, seungwan, seungwan_ , seulgi wants to cry out. _how could you do this to me?_ )

she’s always known that trusting joohyun is a gamble– she’s been pretending that she didn’t see the falsehoods hidden in joohyun’s eyes that day, because joohyun is everything she’s ever wanted and if it takes a little denial to be happy, then so be it. so she lets joohyun kiss her cheek and intertwine their hands and say things she doesn’t mean because, if she closes her eyes, it almost seems real.

but seungwan? seungwan is the epitome of sincerity, the kind of person who would sacrifice anything for the people they love. seungwan’s selfless to a fault. seungwan’s the kind of person that you’re lucky to even meet in your lifetime. 

so how could sweet seungwan do this? betray her in the most ultimate way possible– because seungwan is the first person seulgi allowed herself to trust after soojung. because seungwan was the first person to find out her secret. because seungwan is her best friend. 

(seulgi may not have as much experience with friendship as her peers. but she’s pretty certain that this type of backstabbing is not something that best friends do.)

when the bell rings, joohyun is already waiting outside, ready to escort seulgi to their creative writing class. joohyun plants a discreet kiss on the side of seulgi’s jaw (after furtively glancing around, making sure that her boyfriend and his friends are nowhere around) and takes her hand– seulgi doesn’t miss the way that her eyes search for seungwan before they start walking.

god, joohyun is so disgustingly obvious. how could seulgi have missed this?

seulgi walks past their normal table once they get to class, choosing instead to sit with a group of girls a year below her. a small part of her wants joohyun to be confused, wants her to seek her out and demand answers. 

but joohyun just makes a beeline to where seungwan is sitting, a bright grin on her face and seulgi can’t stop the tears from welling up in her eyes– how could she have been so stupid?

//

“seulgi!”

“stop following me,” seulgi scowls, increasing her pace as she walks home– the footsteps behind her quicken as well. “seriously, seungwan, go home.”

“stop ignoring me!” seungwan calls out, somehow managing to grab seulgi’s wrist and stop the girl mid-step. “seulgi, please.”

seulgi yanks her wrist away from seungwan’s grasp, turning around and fixing seungwan with a glare so intense that the younger girl actually shrinks away from her gaze. “i thought i told you to stop following me.”

seungwan just crosses her arms over her tiny body and huffs, biting down on her lip worriedly. “just, please, seulgi, _talk_ to me.”

“you want me to talk to you?” seulgi half-yells, not even caring if she attracts the stares of the tiny freshman waiting for the school bus. “okay, fine, we can talk. how about we _talk_ about the fact you and joohyun are doing _god knows what_ behind my back?”

“w-what?” seungwan turns pale, and seulgi knows that she’s hit her mark– seungwan’s never gone so quiet so fast. “what are you talking about, seul?”

“don’t play dumb, seungwan, you’re smarter than that.” 

“seul, whatever you think is going on, i can tell you, it’s not what you think–“

“unbelievable,” seulgi scoffs, crossing her arms and shaking her head. “you’re so fucking unbelievable, seungwan. are you really going to stand here and lie to my face?”

“seul–“

“i trusted you,” seulgi cries out, and that’s when something snaps, because the rage is fading away, only to be replaced by the throbbing pain that comes with realizing the people you love are not who you thought they were. “i trusted you, and this is how you treat me?”

“seulgi, come on,” seungwan sighs, running a hand through her messy hair. “just let me walk home with you, and i’ll explain everything, okay?”

seulgi bites her lip and reluctantly nods– she doesn’t even know why she’s even allowing seungwan to explain herself. maybe it’s because seungwan looks so incredibly hurt, or maybe it’s because the look in her eyes is so genuine, or maybe it’s just because seulgi doesn’t want it to be true– she desperately wants there to be some alternative explanation, some clarification that will make everything make sense again. 

seungwan tells her everything as they walk home, tells her about how joohyun had confessed to her towards the beginning of may, back when joohyun had told seulgi that she had found ‘someone new’. 

(guess seulgi had never been joohyun’s ‘someone new’ in the first place– but, deep down, she already knew that.)

she tells seulgi about how joohyun’s advances had always been dismissed as best as she could, about how seungwan had tried her best to distance herself without being rude– because seungwan has a heart of gold, and seungwan has never known how to say no to people.

“i guess that’s where i messed up,” seungwan says, kicking at a stray rock with her foot as they walk. “i was leading her on, and i was lying to you– it’s all my fault, isn’t it?”

seulgi wants to say yes, but seungwan’s eyes are incredibly sad and she doesn’t have it in her to be mad at seungwan for long– somehow, the explanation does make it better.

“i don't have feelings for her, seulgi, you have to believe me,” seungwan pleads, and seulgi does. 

//

joohyun confronts her a week later, when seulgi’s doing her calculus homework in seungwan’s parents’ restaurant while seungwan buses the tables.

(she can’t stay mad at seungwan, but she can definitely stay mad at joohyun, especially after everything seungwan’s told her. she loves joohyun, she’d move the sun and the stars and the sky for joohyun, but joohyun’s been using her and the truth won’t stop stinging at her.)

“you’ve been avoiding me, seulgi,” joohyun accuses her, and seulgi simply shrugs.

“yes,” she says, going back to drawing graphs. “what do you want?”

“i thought we were doing fine,” joohyun sits down across from her, uninvited. “i mean, you like me, i like you, i’m trying to make this work.”

seulgi shakes her head and puts her pencil down, differential calculus forgotten. “don’t lie to me, joohyun.”

“i’m not lying, seul–“

“you can lie to your friends, you can lie to seungwan, you can lie to suho,” seulgi says. “but you can’t lie to me.”

(seulgi hopes that it sounds like she means it when she says it out loud, because she knows that joohyun can do anything to her and seulgi will still come running back. because joohyun is still all she ever thinks about– joohyun doesn’t have to know that, though.)

“seulgi–“

“you love seungwan, not me. stop lying.”

joohyun scoffs and stands up, picking up her phone– the sound of her nails tapping rapidly against the glass echoes across the empty restaurant. “you’re wrong, seulgi.” 

seulgi picks her pencil back up and tries not to think about how badly she wants joohyun to stay. “just go.”

joohyun walks out of the restaurant, and that’s when seulgi feels it– some inexplicable shift in the universe, some permanent alteration in her lifetime. some nameless god laughing down on them.

(and from there, things rapidly change. suddenly, seulgi and joohyun are back to the early stages of their friendship, where they only talk in creative writing, where joohyun stops holding her hand in the hallways, where movie dates and mall trips suddenly slow to a crawl, and eventually, a complete stop.)

first there was seulgi. then seulgi and seungwan, then seulgi and seungwan and joohyun.

but now, joohyun is gone, and seulgi doesn’t know how to feel.

//

empty, she decides two weeks later. she feels empty.

it feels like a big part of her is missing– like her limbs have been cut off, like someone’s carved out a hole in her heart and left no replacement. and it’s scary, so scary, because no one has ever left an impact on her like this before, not even jung soojung. 

but seulgi’s too proud to confess any of this, so she writes it down instead. her notebook becomes her heart and her pencil becomes her mouthpiece and her words become everything she is too scared to say out loud. 

things like _i don’t know how to breathe without you_ or things like _do you miss me like i miss you_ or prayers to seungwan’s universe pleading for it to bring joohyun back to her– because it may be fake love, but it’s joohyun’s love nonetheless, and she’s never craved for anything more.

it’s nearing the end of the school year, and if anything, the time has just made seulgi more desperate. because soon it will be summer, and as much as she loves seungwan, spending the entire summer in her parents’ restaurant watching seungwan clear the dishes will surely drive her insane. 

“i’m throwing a party,” seungwan says one day as she drives seulgi home through the almost-summer rain. “and, as my best friend, you are expected to come.”

“no thank you,” seulgi wrinkles her nose– seungwan’s parties are always full of drunk guys she’s never met before in her life and people who are overly touchy and loud. she’s always darted into seungwan’s bedroom during her parties, locking the door and holing up with joohyun, a warm blanket, and a stack of DVDs.

she can’t do that anymore, though.

“please, seul?” seungwan pouts, the sound of rain falling against the windshield filling the space in the backseat where joohyun used to sit. “it’s almost the end of the school year, you need to learn how to go out and have fun.”

“i do have fun,” seulgi says. “i’m having fun right now.”

seungwan sticks her tongue out at seulgi and seulgi giggles, because when they’re playing around like this, it almost feels like how they were before joohyun and the weird lesbian love triangle that accompanied her came along.

(seulgi’s begun to sort her life into three different time periods. there’s the pre-joohyun era, when seulgi’s main priority in life was getting jung soojung to fall in love with her. then there’s the joohyun era, when every brush of joohyun’s fingers against seulgi’s skin had set her body (and heart) on fire. and, last but not least, there’s the post-joohyun era– seulgi refuses to believe that she’s in it.)

“fine,” she says, turning up the radio so that she can’t hear the aching in her own heart any longer. “i’ll go to your stupid party.”

“yay!” seungwan beams, bright and beautiful and seulgi thanks the universe for giving her such an amazing best friend. “who knows? maybe you’ll meet some cute girls.”

//

seulgi does not meet any cute girls.

what she _does_ meet is the alcohol-spiked punch bowl (several times, in fact) and joohyun’s eyes from across seungwan’s crowded living room.

she can feel them tracking her as she doubles back to the punch bowl to pour herself yet another drink, because seungwan is nowhere to be found, and seulgi feels like prey underneath joohyun’s watchful gaze.

 _it will be fine_ , seulgi tells herself, grabbing a beer (because the punch is not helping her to erase the memory of joohyun’s beautiful brown eyes boring into hers) and trekking upstairs to seungwan’s room, because the music downstairs is too loud and the threat of bumping into _certain people_ is too high.

so, no, seulgi does not meet cute girls at seungwan’s party.

but her back does meet seungwan’s bedroom door when joohyun presses her up against it, and her ear does meet joohyun’s lips when she growls a low “i missed you” against it. her hips meet joohyun’s hands as she’s pushed into seungwan’s bedroom and her lips meet joohyun’s lips as they fall onto seungwan’s bed. 

“j-joohyun, joohyun, wait,” seulgi gasps, because everything has happened at once and seulgi’s not quite sure how she’s gotten here, pressed between joohyun’s body and the mattress as joohyun places wet kisses on her neck, the skin underneath joohyun’s lips tingling from the sheer intimacy of it all. “ _joohyun._ ”

“what?” joohyun pants, drawing back from seulgi’s neck momentarily, only to refocus her attention back on seulgi’s jaw. 

“a-are you–” seulgi’s cut off when joohyun connects their lips once more, joohyun’s tongue slipping into her mouth– joohyun tastes like a bizarre mix of alcohol and watermelon, and seulgi thinks she could get drunk off of joohyun and joohyun alone. “are you still dating suho?”

“of course not,” joohyun says, and seulgi’s heart soars.

(her heart soars and it doesn’t come down, not after joohyun unzips seulgi’s dress, not after joohyun starts kissing her thighs, not after joohyun swallows seulgi’s moans with her mouth. seulgi’s high on joohyun and she’s never felt better.)

//

“where did you go last night?” seungwan asks the next day when the two best friends meet up for lunch, the younger girl nursing a hangover and a cup of black coffee in her hand. 

“home,” seulgi lies though her teeth– what else is she supposed to say? 

_oh, nowhere, just let bae joohyun have her way with me in your bedroom. how was your night, though, seungwan?_

but, to her relief, seungwan buys it, simply grunting and taking a sip of the coffee in her hand. “seriously, seul? i wanted you to have fun.”

“i did have fun!” seulgi protests– now that’s not a lie. “the five minutes i spent at your party yesterday were the best five minutes of my life, seungwan.”

“shut it,” seungwan grumbles into her coffee. “you’re not funny.”

“i’d like to think i’m pretty funny–“

“did you see joohyun?” the question catches seulgi off guard, the older girl pausing for a moment– does seungwan know? it’s nearly impossible to read seungwan with the thick black sunglasses covering her eyes; come to think of it, seulgi didn’t see seungwan anywhere last night. she could have been anywhere, she could have _seen_ them–

“j-joohyun? uh, no, i don’t think so?” it comes off as more of a question than a sure statement and seulgi prays that seungwan is too hungover to realize it.

“oh, okay,” seungwan says, and seulgi relaxes, exhaling the breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. “just wanted to make sure you didn’t go home cause you guys got into some huge physical fight.”

seulgi gulps and looks away, busying herself with the unappetizing menu in front of her– is it cheesy to say that the only thing she’s hungry for now is joohyun? “don’t worry about it, seungwan.”

“oh? are you two cool now?”

“we’re fine,” seulgi says, which is true. she and joohyun are perfectly fine– nothing less and nothing more. (does seulgi desperately crave for a something more? yes, of course– but that’s besides the point.)

“thank god!” seungwan smiles her first smile of the day– hangovers tend to turn her into some weird, grumpy seungwan that’s almost the exact opposite of the pure sunshine seungwan is everyday. “you know, i was gonna invite her out with us today, but i wasn’t sure how things are with you guys right now–“

“oh, really?”

“– and, anyways, she said she had a date with suho, so she couldn’t have come anyway,” seungwan continues cheerfully and seulgi nearly drops her own coffee on the ground.

“she said she had a date? with suho?”

“uh, yeah, with suho,” seungwan reiterates slowly, giving seulgi a strange look. “i know you’re in love with her and everything, but did you really forget they’re dating?”

“they’re… dating?” seulgi repeats mindlessly, staring at seungwan with such pure confusion that has the younger girl scratching her head. 

“how much did you drink last night, seul?” 

“i-i didn’t!” seulgi stammers out, scrambling for a (believable) explanation to justify her strange behavior. “someone just said something last night, about how suho and joohyun broke up. i guess i misunderstood.”

“i guess,” seungwan repeats, and for a moment, she seems eerily suspicious. but then she reverts back to normal seungwan in an instant, and seulgi relaxes. 

( _joohyun lied to you_ , her conscience nags at her. _joohyun lied to you to get in your pants._

but, by now, seulgi’s used to it.)

//

it’s the second to last day of school, and seulgi’s spent her time taking down posters and cleaning up the building.

technically, this is detention– a punishment, from that one time seulgi got lazy and took the elevator to her third floor class, only to be caught by the strictest teacher in the school. but seulgi doesn’t mind too much. it gets her out of creative writing, the only class she has with joohyun. 

ever since _that_ night, it feels like joohyun’s just waiting to get her alone– she catches the older girl shamelessly staring during class, and it feels scarily like that night at the party, how she had felt joohyun just watching her from across the room.

joohyun is scary. joohyun is a liar– most days, joohyun doesn’t even seem like the joohyun she fell in love with. but seulgi’s fallen too deep and too hard too fast to see it, anyway.

“are you.. kang seulgi?” an unfamiliar voice comes out of nowhere, seulgi flinching a little from the shock of getting startled out of her thoughts. 

“yes, how can i help–“ seulgi turns around, only to be greeted by _that_ shade of red and _that_ familiar face. “you!” she nearly yells, jerking backwards. 

“me?” sooyoung’s eyes go wide, looking around before pointing a thumb at herself, bewildered. “what?”

“y-you!” seulgi repeats herself, before remembering that sooyoung has no idea who she is, and that all she’s managing to do is create a very awkward environment for the both of them. “u-uh, you scared me!”

“oh!” sooyoung laughs, waving her hands in a casual apology. “sorry! for a moment, i thought you really had something against me.” 

_yes, i really do have something against you_ , seulgi thinks, but instead she offers the younger girl a slightly stilted smile. “sorry, what did you need?”

“mr. lee sent me,” sooyoung explains, jerking her thumb at a classroom a few doors down– the classroom, coincidentally, belonging to the teacher who had sentenced seulgi to this punishment. “actually, i kinda got kicked out. he said i could go and help you out?”

“oh, uh, i guess you’re stuck on cleanup duty with me,” seulgi laughs nervously– can sooyoung tell that she knows more about sooyoung than she’s letting on? “i’m just getting rid of the trash in this hallway, but you can take down posters, if that works?”

“sounds good to me,” sooyoung beams, and seulgi sees why sooyoung and joohyun used to get along so well– they have the same smile.

seulgi resumes her work and sooyoung soon follows, the younger girl thankfully keeping quiet as they make quick work of cleaning up their surroundings. they make it through another two hallways before sooyoung finally breaks the silence. 

“you know, your name sounds really familiar.” ah, so she does know.

“i believe we have a mutual friend,” seulgi musters up a small smile. hopefully it doesn’t seem as forced as it is. “bae joohyun?”

sooyoung nods at the familiar name, discarding some candy wrappers as she speaks. “i thought so. i’ve definitely seen you two around together.”

seulgi doesn’t respond, just scrapes some gum off the side of the locker. sooyoung sidles up next to her and doesn’t say anything, watching as seulgi does the same thing to the entire row. and then– “i get the vibe that you don’t like me very much, kang seulgi.”

“that’s to be expected,” seulgi hums, continuing on with her work– they’re almost done with this floor, and she’ll be damned if she lets park sooyoung slow her down from her goal of going home on time. “after what you did to joohyun.”

“after what _i_ did to joohyun?” sooyoung repeats, a little disbelieving and a little amused at the same time. “oh, seulgi. i haven’t done anything to that girl.”

“you outed her to all of her friends,” seulgi argues, turning her attention away from the row of lockers in front of her and turning towards the taller girl, crossing her arms defensively. “don’t act all innocent–“

“joohyun’s really gotten in your head, huh?” sooyoung asks– seulgi strongly resents the condescension reeking through her tone of voice, but that doesn’t stop her from listening to sooyoung’s words. what exactly is she implying? 

“w-what do you mean?”

“look, seulgi,” sooyoung sighs, throwing out an empty plastic water bottle in an abandoned locker. “you seem like a nice person. but joohyun? she’s not. don’t trust everything she says, okay?”

(and the worst part? seulgi can’t even refute what sooyoung says. because it’s the cold, hard truth.)

and that’s the third warning sign– the only sign that seulgi manages to catch. but what can seulgi do about it, when joohyun makes her heart race and her knees weak, makes her feel like the only person in the entire world that matters.

what can seulgi do, when she’s so in love?

(is it love, or is it obsession?)

//

when joohyun invites seulgi over to her house the weekend after school ends, seulgi already knows what she wants.

(she goes anyway.)

she lets joohyun coerce her into her bed and lets joohyun pull her onto her lap, lets her leave ugly red marks on the fragile skin of her neck and slide her shirt over her head. 

she doesn’t bother to ask about suho, not this time, because she already knows the answer.

but then the words come tumbling out of her mouth, messy and slurred but seulgi just can’t help it, not when joohyun’s touching her like this.

“i love you,” she says every time joohyun’s hand goes up her skirt.

“i love you,” she says when joohyun slips her skirt off of her thighs.

“i love you, i love you, i love you,” seulgi cries out, desperate and wanting and joohyun doesn’t say anything in return, just kisses the words away– and that’s the fourth and final warning sign. 

but seulgi’s too far gone to care.


	3. the end

_“maybe you weren’t_

_the one for me_

_but deep down_

_i wanted you to be”_

♡

joohyun is beginning to become a bad habit.

(joohyun’s always been a bad habit, if seulgi’s to be honest with herself. but now, things are getting to a point even she can’t ignore anymore.)

her mother (and her church) have always taught her not to covet. to not desire after things she cannot have– things that belong to someone else. because to covet is to sin, and to sin is a dangerous gateway, one that leads to lies and obsession and addiction.

but how can she stop herself, when joohyun sits down on her lap and plays with the collar of her shirt and looks at her with _those_ eyes? how can seulgi stop herself from wanting to absolutely devour the girl in front of her?

is it really so bad of a sin when it feels so good?

//

everything that fell apart in the spring comes back together in the summer– seulgi’s days are once again filled with late night drives and soft r&b tracks and rewatching movies from the 80s on her aged couch, filled with joohyun and seungwan and the way that they dance around each other like nothing is wrong. 

and, on the surface, everything looks fine. normal. business as usual. and that’s not odd, because as long as seungwan avoids joohyun’s longing gazes and joohyun pretends like seulgi never said those three words that night, everything is fine. 

seulgi’s never been a good actress, but if seungwan and joohyun keep acting like this, acting like the cracks in their already strained relationship aren’t still lingering there under the surface, she can learn how to put up a facade too.

(seulgi wonders when their friendship turned into _this_ , into mumbled secrets and one-sided intimacy, into the tension that always seems to fill the room around them. when did their love for each other become so corrupted?)

corruption– now that’s something seulgi’s become far too familiar with. because a year ago, seulgi would never have been doing this, never would have let some girl with a boyfriend draw her in with whispered promises she has no intention of ever fulfilling. seulgi had better standards for herself, once upon a time. 

but joohyun is a sweetheart when they’re alone, and something about the night makes her sweet lies sound like reality– and seulgi knows for sure now that her old self, the one that would have never gotten involved with a girl like joohyun, is long gone.

she doesn’t even miss her. not really, anyway.

//

“wait, really?”

“i’m 99% certain,” seungwan hums as she sweeps the wooden floor of her parents’ quiet restaurant. “suho told kai, and kai told baekhyun, and, you know baekhyun, he can never keep his mouth shut.”

“huh,” seulgi sips her iced latte and tries not to think too much about this new gossip provided to her oh-so-graciously by her best friend– but if it’s true, it changes everything, and that possibility has seulgi absolutely giddy. “you know, we could just ask her.”

“we could,” seungwan agrees, resting the broom against the wall as she sits to join seulgi at her usual table in the corner. “but i’d rather not.”

“why not?”

“you know how she is,” seungwan deflects, like she always does, and seulgi just sighs, because no, she does not know how joohyun is, not anymore. “she’s just going to get all weird and defensive, like always–“

“shit.”

“what?”

“it’s her,” seulgi whispers, despite the fact that there’s no one in the restaurant, gesturing frantically at the buzzing cell phone lying flat on the table. “shit, should i pick up?” 

it only takes one quick glance at the phone screen for seungwan’s eyes to go comically wide– if seulgi weren’t so preoccupied with the dilemma of the incoming call, maybe she would have laughed. but the phone is still buzzing on the table, and seulgi knows she can’t avoid joohyun, not when she has that bit of information lingering in her hand. “i’m not picking it up,” seungwan shakes her head. “nope. not today.”

“please, seungwan, please, as a favor to your best friend–“

“no way,” seungwan insists, jumping up from her seat and resuming her work cleaning up the empty restaurant– seulgi doesn’t bother to point out the fact that seungwan’s already cleared every table and swept every single stray crumb away. “nothing you can possibly give me is worth having to deal with post-breakup joohyun.”

“we don’t even know if that’s true!” seulgi pleads weakly, following seungwan across the restaurant and thrusting her phone towards seungwan’s general direction. “please, seungwan. answer the phone.”

seungwan huffs and snatches the phone away from seulgi’s outstretched hand– she swipes a finger across the screen and before seulgi can express her gratitude, seungwan hands the phone right back and walks off to the kitchen. 

“w-what–“

“hello? seulgi?” joohyun’s melodious voice floats through the speakers of seulgi’s phone– seungwan winks at seulgi before entering the kitchen, and seulgi mouths her a quick _you’re so dead._  

“hey, joohyun, what’s up?”

“we’re going shopping,” the older girl says, and it’s not a question– it’s a demand. “are you at the restaurant?”

“yes.”

“bring seungwan too, then.”

“can’t, working,” seungwan yells from the kitchen, where she is washing the same dishes that seulgi helped her wash an hour ago. joohyun may not be able to, but seulgi sees right through her. if only she were clever enough to get out of post-breakup joohyun duty first. “but i’ll make it next time, promise.”

“fine,” joohyun sighs– seungwan’s absence is clearly not fine, and seulgi wonders idly if she’ll ever be enough for joohyun. “i’m picking you up in five, seul. be ready.”

“o-oh, um, okay–“ 

joohyun hangs up and seulgi sets her sights on seungwan, the latter gulping and ducking behind the counter as soon as she spots the indignation in seulgi’s almond eyes. “i hate you, son seungwan,” seulgi seethes, narrowing said eyes at her best friend and grabbing her purse. “i hate you so, so much.”

“i’m doing you a favor, you know,” seungwan retorts, still holding her dishrag carefully in front of her, like it’s a viable weapon if seulgi decides to go violent. “you get alone time with the love of your life, i get a break from taking care of post-breakup joohyun. it’s a win-win situation.”

“we still don’t even know if that rumor is true or not,” seulgi grumbles– she won’t let seungwan have the satisfaction of winning, even if she’s technically correct. time with joohyun, without seungwan or suho or anyone else, does sound ridiculously tempting.

“that’s why you’re going to ask her,” seungwan reminds her before gently shoving her out the door. “now, go. have fun, seulgi.”

//

seulgi does not have fun.

she tries, she really does, but it’s hard when the only thing joohyun wants to do is drag her around the mall and rant and rave about suho– at least that’s one mystery solved.

suho, she says, is selfish– suho takes and takes and never gives, suho is fickle, suho doesn’t love her. 

(seulgi thinks that suho sounds a lot like somebody she knows.)

but this is joohyun’s chosen form of therapy– where seulgi writes, joohyun shops, and seulgi doesn’t mind, not really, even if she leaves the mall with significantly lighter pockets. because joohyun’s smiling, and that makes all the chaos worth it.

god, how disgustingly cheesy is that?

but it’s the truth, and seulgi, even with her complex vocabulary of a young poet, can’t even express how much she wants this. this soft domesticity, holding hands in a mall and trying on clothes from cheap department stores together in tiny changing rooms. it feels like the kind of thing that girls who are in love do, and seulgi’s never yearned for anything more– and with suho seemingly out of the picture, her picturesque fantasy almost seems like it could one day become reality.

(how naive can she get?)

and only after they’ve settled into the backseat of joohyun’s car,  seulgi’s thighs on either side of joohyun’s legs, does seulgi dare to ask the question that’s been weighing heavily on her mind ever since seungwan had divulged the latest piece of town gossip that morning. 

she already knows what joohyun is going to say– she’s practically told her everything over the course of their little shopping date, after all. but there’s nothing quite like dealing with a pathological liar to make seulgi value hearing the truth from joohyun’s pretty lips.

“so, you’re–“ seulgi’s cut off by her own groan, feeling the same pair of pretty lips on her neck as joohyun wraps an arm around seulgi’s waist and brings her in impossibly closer. “you’re single now, right?”

“single as a pringle,” joohyun seals her confirmation with a kiss that seulgi is far too eager to lose herself in. “promise.”

and joohyun’s not lying, not this time, and maybe that makes everything feel a little better. because suho is gone and joohyun is finally being honest.

maybe waiting all this time was worth it.

“j-joohyun, do you…” seulgi musters up all of her courage, all of the words left unsaid every hazy summer night. “do you… would you… would you want to be my girlfriend?”

joohyun’s lips still from their spot on one of seulgi’s exposed shoulders and seulgi can almost feel the older girl stiffen underneath her– and there it is. seulgi gets her answer tinged with sadness and something she cannot quite place.

“seulgi, i really like you,” joohyun says. she says it less like a rejection and more like it makes everything okay, and seulgi hates the fact that it does. 

(joohyun is calm and serene and telling the truth, but for once, seulgi almost wishes that she would continue her lying streak. because she can hear the words left unsaid– _‘but i love seungwan more.’_ )

//

summer begins to bleed into autumn and seulgi finds herself employed at seungwan’s parents’ restaurant– she spends all her time there regardless, might as well start getting paid for it. 

it’s senior year. universities are beginning to spam her email inbox and her parents are putting the pressure on hard and seulgi doesn’t know how to tell them that the only thing she ever wants to do nowadays is spend the rest of her life in joohyun’s arms. but, as much as she would like to, she cannot major in bae joohyun. so she spends her last few weeks of summer break working hard in the restaurant and hitting the books, covering every test prep textbook to ever exist from front to back. 

it’s a real shame that a degree in bae joohyun does not exist, seulgi thinks, because maybe then she would finally be able to understand the girl that plagues her nights. maybe, if joohyun would open herself up a little more, seulgi would be privileged enough to catch a glimpse at the reason why joohyun pretends not to hear when seulgi whispers _i love you_ after heated hookups in the backseat of joohyun’s car, why she sneaks out of seulgi’s bedroom early in the morning, why she’s only ever affectionate enough to get seulgi into her bed.

(there’s an answer to all of those questions already lingering inside of seulgi’s head. but it’s crude and harsh and seulgi prays that she’s wrong, because she refuses to accept what sooyoung and countless others have told her about the girl that she is so enamored with.)

but all those sleepless nights spent in both the library and joohyun’s bed are starting to get to her, seulgi thinks, because she’s starting to see things.

she must be seeing things. because when she goes out to the restaurant floor to greet the diner that had just walked in a moment or two ago, she’s instead confronted by someone who might as well be a ghost– someone who should be on the other side of the county.

someone named jung soojung.

soojung looks up from her menu and somehow manages to meet seulgi’s eyes before seulgi lets out a little squeak and runs back inside the kitchen, pushing past a very confused seungwan in her way– she’s way too old to be playing with demons, which is what she tells her best friend when seungwan stops her in her tracks. 

“what the fuck, seulgi,” seungwan sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose and darting her head out of the kitchen to ensure that their customer is still there. sure enough, the image of soojung is still sitting in seungwan’s parents’ restaurant, paging through her menu like nothing is wrong. “don’t be weird. just go out there, take her order, get her money, and forget it ever happened.”

“are you serious?” seulgi whispers frantically, eyes widening as she gestures out at the floor of the restaurant. “you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to go out there.”

“wait, really?” seungwan frowns, tilting her head to the side. “you really wouldn’t go out there for a _million_ dollars?”

“oh my god,” seulgi rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in mock surrender. “i was exaggerating, seungwan, seriously–“

“just take her order, what’s the worst that can happen–“

“nope,” seulgi declares with abrupt finality. “it’s not happening. nope, nope, nope.”

seungwan sighs and picks up seulgi’s notepad off from the ground where she dropped it in her mad dash to retreat into the kitchen. “you’re such a child. you should be lucky that i love you.”

and, as lame as it sounds, seulgi nearly breaks down sobbing in the middle of the kitchen out of pure gratefulness– it might seem like she’s overreacting, but her heart is pounding hard in her chest and she almost feels like passing out, because seeing soojung again is reminiscent of every embarrassment, every single rejection, every bad dream she’s had since that fateful day where soojung ran out and never looked back.

seungwan leaves to deal with soojung and seulgi lets herself calm down on the kitchen floor, the cool tile behind her back and the (relatively) quiet atmosphere soothing the overwhelming thoughts and anxiety inside of her head. the relief doesn’t last long, though, because when seungwan comes back, she comes bearing a gift– a paper napkin with soojung’s number scrawled over it in sharp black ink.

as if seulgi ever lost it in the first place.

//

soojung’s number stays untouched in her phone.

mostly because 1) the thought of picking up her phone and texting soojung brings on an insurmountable amount of anxiety, and 2) even if she was somehow confident enough to contact her ex-best friend, what would she even say?

_hi soojung, it’s me, kang seulgi, your former best friend. i know we haven’t spoken since that day two and a half years ago when i told you that i was in love with you and everything, but how are you doing? also, why the fuck are you here?_  

but, sometimes, she admits, late at night, she’ll open up their text thread, ignoring how her heart pangs at seeing their last correspondences from that period of time where soojung was all she could ever think about, and compose messages that she has no intention of ever sending. it’s vaguely therapeutic, getting out all of her anger and confusion and shame like that. 

but still, she feels no need to contact the girl from her past who’s caused her so much pain– what good can ever come of that? that doesn’t stop the curiosity from tugging at her, though, because soojung is supposed to be on the other side of the country, not in the very city that seulgi moved to in order to flee from the girl herself. 

curiosity isn’t enough to get her to pick up the phone. so the phone number goes forgotten, for a little while. it’s not like seulgi’s ever going to need to use it, right? 

//

as per usual, seulgi is wrong.

“you want me to.. show her around?” seulgi mindlessly repeats, staring at her homeroom teacher in pure disbelief. first day of school, and this is what she has to deal with. she has half a mind to drop out and start working at seungwan’s parents’ restaurant full-time, because, evidently, the school administration is looking to make her life a living hell.

“just for a few days, seulgi,” ms. hwang sighs, crossing her arms– she’s getting fed up, seulgi can tell, and she almost feels bad, because ms. hwang is her favorite teacher and probably doesn’t deserve to deal with her. “work with me here, please.”

“b-but,” seulgi protests, desperately trying to buy time and maybe locate a loophole to somehow stop the school from pushing her and jung soojung together. “why me?”

“out of everyone else here, you’re the student who knows most about what it’s like to be at a new school, seulgi,” ms. hwang reminds her, not unkindly. “you’re the kindest student in this class. just extend that same kindness to soojung, okay?”

seulgi disagrees. kind girls don’t sleep with girls who have boyfriends. but that’s not exactly the kind of thing you tell your homeroom teacher, so she sighs minutely and concedes defeat. “fine. thank you, ms. hwang.”

soojung clears her throat, and seulgi realizes a little too late that she’s been standing there, between seulgi and her homeroom teacher, the whole time.

_whatever. she should already know she’s not wanted here._

“soojung, if you have any questions, you can always ask seulgi, okay?” 

soojung mumbles something that’s probably a soft okay– she’s always been shy around adults. 

(seulgi doesn’t know why she even still remembers that.

she shouldn’t still remember that.

she doesn’t even want to remember that.)

so, instead of thinking about jung soojung and all of her strange habits that seulgi used to have memorized, she slings her backpack over her shoulder and turns on her heel to walk out of the classroom and tries to pretend like she’s not straining to hear if soojung’s footsteps follow her. 

they do, of course.

soojung, as seulgi soon (unwillingly) discovers, has relocated permanently to their city. her father has gotten a new job, one that’s transported the jung family across the country, and seulgi can’t find it in her to be bitter about it– she cannot harbor ill will for the man who practically raised her, not even if he brought the devil to her doorstep.

“you should come over for dinner sometime,” soojung says while she struggles to keep up with seulgi’s intentionally long strides across the school courtyard. “he misses you.”

“sure, soojung.”

“we all miss you,” soojung says, and a little piece of seulgi snaps– because how dare soojung even say _that_ to her face. how dare she even say those words, like they’re still best friends and everything is good and right in the world. 

“sure, soojung,” seulgi repeats, flat and bitter and angry all at once. why is soojung saying things she doesn’t really mean?

“i mean it.”

the urgency in soojung’s voice stops seulgi in her tracks, an angry laugh so unlike her already rising in her throat. “really, soojung? you really mean it?”

“of course–“

“don’t pretend like you don’t know what you did,” seulgi spits, and now she’s really lashing out, because everyone, from seungwan at the restaurant to ms. hwang in their classroom, is acting like soojung’s the innocent one here. poor soojung, the new girl. poor soojung, all alone. 

(seulgi wonders if soojung knows what it’s like to be truly alone. because seulgi still remembers it all so vividly– remembers the stares, the whispers, the boys that would trip her in the hallways and mutter rude names under their breathes, remembers the gazes pleading for help that she would send soojung on the rare occasions when their eyes would meet.

she remembers the way soojung would tear her eyes away every time, too.)

“i don’t know what you–“

“you ruined me,”  seulgi hisses, not ignoring the flash of confusion in soojung’s eyes. “you made my life a living hell, soojung–“

soojung inhales sharply and takes a step back, and for a second, seulgi almost thinks that soojung is going to let her go without a fight. but then soojung scoffs, crossing her arms, and seulgi realizes that she doesn’t know soojung as well as she thought she did. 

(soojung’s never been the same girl she fell in love with all those years ago.)

“ _i_ made your life a living hell? don’t be ridiculous, seulgi, that was the other kids, not me–“

“it was you!” seulgi takes a step forward, jabbing soojung roughly in the shoulder with a pointed finger– soojung flinches but she doesn’t step back, lifting her chin and looking seulgi straight in the eyes. “you could have made them stop! you could have protected me! you betrayed me, you’re the one who told them that…” each of her sentences are punctuated with another strike, soojung still unmoving in front of her. “… _you’re_ the one who told them that i loved you.”

the bell rings and the students shuffle into their classrooms, and, for a moment, all is silent. 

“seulgi…” seulgi makes the mistake of looking into soojung’s eyes and seeing the sorrow there– it almost looks like she’s accepting the blame. “seulgi, i was young and scared, i didn’t know what i was doing.”

(seulgi knows better than to trust soojung again.)

“you were young and scared?” seulgi laughs again, unkind and harsh and so unlike her true self, the person that she is with seungwan and joohyun. but that’s what soojung does– brings out the ugly side of seulgi, the side that she’s suppressed for so long. “ _you_ were young and scared? imagine how i felt, soojung. my best friend in the entire world, the girl that i was in love with, she turned everyone against me. but you want to claim being young and scared as your excuse?”

“i’m sorry, seulgi, i really am–“

“do something!” seulgi shoves soojung away roughly, the younger girl stumbling backwards before regaining her balance. “hurt me, soojungie. show me who you really are on the inside.”

“i’m not going to do that, seul.”

“come on,” seulgi taunts, taking another step forward and blinking away the angry tears already beginning to form. “show me the real you, soojung. hit me, come on.”

“seulgi,” soojung breathes, daring to take a step forward and reduce the gap between the two former best friends. “seulgi, this isn’t like you.”

“you don’t know me,” seulgi snaps. 

“seulgi,” soojung repeats, and suddenly her arms are around seulgi’s back and seulgi’s head is buried in her shoulder and seulgi doesn’t even know how she got there– but soojung is warm and comforting and if seulgi’s sobbing onto soojung’s expensive designer sweater, soojung doesn’t say a word. “seulgi, i’m here now. and i’m sorry.”

“i had to move because of you,” seulgi’s words are muffled into soojung’s neck.

“i know.”

//

“seulgi!” a flying pillow comes out of nowhere to smack seulgi in the face, sent by none other than the smiling demon on the other side of the couch. “pay attention!”

“sorry,” seulgi mumbles, half-heartedly throwing the pillow back. “what was the question?”

“the breakfast club?” seungwan asks, holding up a dvd with one hand. “or the notebook?”

“say the notebook, seul, please,” joohyun chimes in from her spot on the couch, head resting comfortably on seungwan’s lap. “please?”

“let’s watch the notebook, seungwan,” seulgi acquiesces immediately, to absolutely no one’s surprise. it’s almost the weekend– the three girls are celebrating with their usual thursday movie night and seungwan’s homemade pizza, but seulgi’s mind, for once, is on something other than joohyun and the way that she treats seungwan like she’s the only other person in the room.

stupid soojung. so distracting. 

“seriously, guys, we’ve seen the notebook every movie night for a month,” seungwan complains as the movie starts. “joohyun, please, you’ve _got_ to be sick of it by now.”

“it’s a good movie!” the oldest girl defends herself, still looking up at seungwan from her lap. “right, seulgi?”

“seul?”

“seulgi?”

“earth to kang seulgi?” seungwan throws yet another pillow at her best friend, this one not as soft as the first. “seriously, seul, are you good?”

seulgi swallows down her thoughts and smiles at her friends– well, she smiles at seungwan, at least. joohyun is too busy looking at seungwan to devote any attention to her. but she’s used to it. “of course. i’m fine.”

seungwan doesn’t look like she believes her, but she simply shrugs and returns to the movie she despises so much playing on the television screen in front of them. “if you say so.”

seulgi is not fine. _they_ are not fine, not a single one of them– seungwan is perpetually nervous and seulgi is perpetually sad and joohyun is perpetually uncaring. but seungwan and joohyun are good actors, so seulgi thinks she can indulge for one night. she can act like she doesn’t feel those awful flashes of jealousy when joohyun reaches for seungwan’s hand, just like seungwan acts like she’s not caught in the middle of something too dramatic for her own good, just like joohyun acts like she’s content in her all too platonic relationship with seungwan. 

as long as they keep acting, they’ll be fine– seulgi just has to pray that the curtain doesn’t fall. 

they’re 45 minutes into the notebook when seulgi’s phone starts to go off. 

it’s easy to ignore it at first, especially when joohyun’s moved from seungwan’s lap to hers. the notebook isn’t really her kind of movie, especially when she’s seen it so many times, but seulgi thinks it’s a million times better with joohyun sitting on her lap, playing with her hair and planting soft kisses on her neck– only when seungwan’s looking, of course.

but that doesn’t stop her phone from buzzing next to her on the couch– she’s more than content to leave it there, though. she has all she needs right in front of her.

seungwan seems to think otherwise, though, earning seulgi her third pillow to the face of the night. “please, just check your damn phone,” she groans, rolling her eyes and lowering the volume of the movie. “it’s driving me crazy.”

_one missed call and three text messages from jung soojung._

_soojung: where are you??_  
soojung: you promised you would help me with this project  
soojung: come on seulgi please please pleaseeee 

seulgi sighs and stuffs her phone back into her pocket. it’s fine– she doesn’t owe soojung anything. soojung is not entitled to her time. she has every right to continue watching a shitty romance movie with the prettiest girl in the world sitting on her lap in her best friend’s living room.

she did promise soojung, though.

“i gotta go,” seulgi sighs, kissing joohyun’s cheek gently before subtly pushing the older girl off of her. “have to take care of something.”

“take care of something?” seungwan smirks, pausing the movie that no one, save joohyun, has been paying the slightest bit of attention to. “sounds suspicious.”

“please,” seulgi snorts, picking up her backpack from where she had ditched it on seungwan’s kitchen counter. “just have to help soojung out with something.”

“soojung?” seungwan’s eyebrows shoot up. “interesting. need a ride.”

“she’s fine, wan-ah,” joohyun chimes in– seulgi’s not surprised to see that joohyun’s almost immediately settled back into seungwan’s lap. “come on, let’s watch the movie.”

seungwan shakes her head like she’s going to protest, but seulgi has her hand on the door before her best friend can even utter a single word. “listen to joohyun, seungwan. i’m fine.”

“but–“

“i’m fine.”

seungwan lets her go, and seulgi doesn’t think she’s ever been more disappointed in her entire life.

//

soojung is different now.

she’s changed– she’s less like that soojung that ran out of her bedroom that day, a year and a half ago. she’s still a sweetheart, of course, still the same old goofy soojung. but soojung is different, too. 

this soojung, the soojung of the present day, is not the kind of girl that seulgi would fall in love with again. and maybe she hasn’t quite forgiven soojung for everything yet. it’s hard to– all that torment, all the bullies and their words are still fresh in seulgi’s mind. a year and a half was not so long ago, after all, not in the grand scheme of things.

but she can’t say that she hasn’t missed this, hasn’t missed sitting at the jung’s dining room table while soojung chases her older sister around in circles. it almost feels like they’re still children without a care in the world, sneaking into sooyeon’s room while she had friends over and stealing her barbie dolls–  sooyeon and taeyeon would always catch them in the end. 

forgiving soojung is scary. treacherous, even– every time she laughs at soojung’s stupid jokes, it feels like she’s betraying the younger version of herself who was left so alone. and maybe it’s a testament to seulgi’s character, how she doles out second and third and fourth chances like candy on halloween. but she’s missed this. this familiarity, this sense of everything being so right.

she hasn’t felt that for a long time. so maybe, just maybe, seulgi can deal with being friends. 

//

some things never change. 

soojung’s smile hasn’t changed. seungwan’s homemade cookies never change, not counting that one time where seungwan thought she could force everyone to be healthy by making them vegan. seulgi’s affinity for joohyun never changes either, nor does joohyun’s dependency on the people of her past.

seulgi’s been seeing more of suho than she’d like to. he walks joohyun to class, he buys her lunch, his car is always waiting outside the school. and there’s nothing wrong with that– joohyun can be friends with her ex, and seulgi’s mature enough to be okay with it. after all, it’s not like they’re together or anything. 

(ouch.)

but seulgi sees the look in suho’s eyes, and she hates it. because she knows what it means, because she sees it in the mirror every day. he wants joohyun, wants her bad, and seulgi can’t help but feel the least bit threatened. 

but joohyun wouldn’t do that to her, right? they’ve made so much progress with suho gone. what would change with suho back in the picture?

would joohyun still invite her over? still let her stay until the sun rises, let her kiss her and touch her and love her? would their bare legs still tangle under the sheets together? 

(seulgi doesn’t know what’s worse– the idea of joohyun being torn away from her once more, or the fact that she knows that joohyun would never let a pesky thing like a boyfriend stop her from continuing to have her fun. seulgi knows from experience, after all.)

but suho hasn’t won yet. saturday nights are still girls’ nights– suho can pry those from seulgi’s cold, dead hands. 

joohyun’s dragged the three girls to the mall under the excuse of shopping for homecoming dresses. seulgi is not going to homecoming– homecoming is crowded and rowdy and full of annoying freshman who have never been to a high school dance before. but joohyun can’t stop her hands from roaming while she helps seulgi try on dresses, and that just makes it oh-so-easy for seulgi to conveniently forget to inform joohyun of her decision.

it’s later than usual– seungwan had been working at the restaurant during the day, and joohyun had refused to have a girls’ night without seungwan.

seulgi tries not to think about why.

but they had made it to the mall, regardless, even if it was already two hours before close. enough time for seulgi to pretend like she intended to buy a dress, at least.

they were having fun. it didn’t matter that seungwan and joohyun had, at one point, disappeared into the dressing room for an unusual amount of time (guilt claws at seulgi’s heart– what kind of bestfriend is she for still not being able to trust seungwan completely?). it didn’t matter that joohyun’s hand was always attached to seungwan’s, and it definitely didn’t matter that seulgi often found herself dragging behind them, the last one to understand inside jokes and the first to get kicked out of the crowded dressing rooms.

she’s beginning to feel like a third wheel around seungwan and joohyun more and more. but it’s not seungwan’s fault– seulgi can’t bring herself to blame her best friend for something she can’t control. and it’s not joohyun’s fault, either– how could anything ever be joohyun’s fault?

(but whose fault is it, then? is it seulgi’s?)

seulgi’s about to call it quits for the night after joohyun drags seungwan into yet another dressing room– it doesn’t matter that joohyun’s her ride, or that seulgi lives a fifty minute walk from the mall. she has at least some shred of self-respect still left, or so she’d like to think. she’s about to sneakily make an escape from the designer store they’re in, when–

“seulgi!” a familiar voice squeals, shoes clacking noisily across the floor as soojung speeds forward to wrap seulgi in a casual embrace. “thank god you’re here.”

“i..what?” seulgi replies, a little annoyed (she was about to make her great escape) and very confused. “what are you doing here?”

“sooyeon dragged me to go shopping,” soojung groans, taking one of seulgi’s hands and pulling her to sit on a couch that’s way too nice to be displayed in the middle of the store. “i’m bored out of my mind. what are _you_ doing here?”

“homecoming dress shopping. with seungwan and joohyun.”

“homecoming?” soojung snorts, waving a hand in the air dismissively. “thought you weren’t going to homecoming, seul–“

a hand lands protectively on seulgi’s shoulder and she flinches at the unexpected touch, looking behind her only to see– oh.

“she’s going to homecoming,” joohyun responds coolly, and if her hand squeezes seulgi’s shoulder a little too roughly, the younger girl doesn’t complain. “isn’t that right, seul?”

“r-right,” seulgi agrees a little too fast– soojung’s eyes are narrowed and seulgi wants nothing more than to leave the store right now and avoid a scene. “yeah, soojung, i’m going to homecoming.”

seungwan appears wordlessly next to them– soojung clears her throat and stands up, apparently sensing the shift in the suddenly quiet atmosphere. “well,” she coughs, throwing a quick glance behind her shoulder at nothing in particular. “i should probably go find sooyeon. sisterly duties call.”

seulgi and soojung part with a quick hug and a kiss on seulgi’s cheek; the sheer intensity of joohyun’s pointed glare nearly burns a hole in seulgi’s back.

//

the drive home is filled with silence and the soft clattering of raindrops falling onto the roof of joohyun’s car. 

it’s more than just awkward– joohyun had slapped seulgi’s hands away from the stereo, leaving seulgi alone in her thoughts, where seulgi’s never liked to be for too long. her fingers itch for something, anything to get the thoughts out onto paper where they belong. 

but there’s nothing. only joohyun’s occasional labored sighs and the sound of the tires against the wet pavement serve as a distraction from the thoughts waging war inside of seulgi’s head. something feels off– joohyun’s never made seulgi feel scared before, but the tension is rising inside of the small vehicle and everything in her is telling seulgi to run.

she checks her phone for the third time and sighs. still twenty minutes away from home.

she should have gotten a ride with seungwan.

“so,” joohyun breaks the silence for the first time, hands clutching the steering wheel tightly as they cruise through the stormy weather. “you’re friends with soojung now.”

“i guess,” seulgi breathes, eyes tracking raindrops as they slide down the passenger seat window. “we’re not really that close, though. not like how we used to be.”

joohyun hums in acknowledgment, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear before turning her attention back to the road– her eyes never meet seulgi’s once, and seulgi doesn’t think she even knows a word for how unnerving her behavior is. “you two seemed pretty close.”

“we- we’re not,” seulgi protests, shaking her head quickly. “seriously, joohyun, we’re not.”

“good,” joohyun murmurs. she’s about to turn the radio on, one hand reaching for the controls, when seulgi clears her throat. 

“but if we were, would that really be such a bad thing?”

joohyun’s hand drops abruptly and falls against the central console roughly– seulgi jumps in her seat and wishes, not for the first time, that she could keep her big mouth shut, just for once. “yes, it would, seul,” she grits her teeth– the car lurches forward and seulgi finds herself clutching onto the seat tightly. “i don’t want to share you, baby.”

“you’re not sharing me,” seulgi squeaks, still holding onto the seat tightly as the car continues to speed up. “soojung and i, we’re just friends– shit, slow down, joohyun!”

“sorry,” joohyun mutters– the car doesn’t slow down. “i don’t think you should be friends with her anymore, seul.”

“what?”

“you heard me, baby. stop talking to her.”

“we- we grew up together, joohyun, it’s not that easy,” seulgi protests weakly, tearing her gaze away from their bleak surroundings to try and meet joohyun’s eyes.

(“your eyes are so beautiful,” she remembers joohyun whispering on one of those nights where it felt like the world had stopped spinning, just for seulgi and joohyun and the rare intimate moments shared between them. what had happened to the reverence in her voice?)

“i’m not giving you the choice, seulgi,” joohyun’s voice is calm and controlled and somehow the most terrifying thing seulgi’s ever heard. “you’re not going to talk to soojung anymore.” 

“are you serious right now?”

“you’re mine, seul. not soojung’s. not anyone else’s,” joohyun responds like it’s the most normal thing in the world, like her demand isn’t ridiculously unrealistic.

“so, i can’t even talk to soojung, but it’s perfectly okay for you and suho to start going around, acting like high school sweethearts who can’t keep their hands off of each other? what about seungwan? you can talk to her, but i can’t talk to soojung?” seulgi asks incredulously, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. 

joohyun scoffs and makes a sharp turn, seulgi releasing a sharp gasp as she slides in her seat. “that’s none of your business.”

“really, that’s none of my business?” seulgi’s voice is crescendoing, filling up the small car in her disbelief. “you know, you’re being such a hypocrite right now–“

joohyun slams down on the breaks, hard, and seulgi nearly goes flying. “joohyun, what the fuck–“

“i’m not doing this,” joohyun laughs, harsh and bitter and seulgi gulps hard. “get out.”

“w-what?”

“you heard me,” joohyun turns to face a bewildered seulgi for the first time, and, even in seulgi’s shock, the lack of emotion in joohyun’s eyes is painfully noticeable. “get the hell out of my car.”

“but–“ the vehicle begins to move forward again, and for a moment, relief sweeps through seulgi’s body– _good, she’s changed her mind_. but joohyun just pulls over on the side of the road and turns to watch her, as if questioning why seulgi hasn’t exited yet. “joohyun, it’s raining–“

“i don’t care,” joohyun snaps, crossing her arms and staring at seulgi expectantly. “i’m not moving this car until you get out.”

“you’ve got to be kidding me–“

“do i look like i’m joking with you, seulgi?”

“you’re unbelievable,” seulgi whispers, eyes glistening with tears. “so fucking unbelievable.”

joohyun raises a perfectly plucked eyebrow and gestures at the passenger door. “i’m waiting, seul.”

seulgi wipes away her tears and turns away from her lover– she won’t give joohyun the satisfaction of seeing her cry. “why are you doing this?”

“i’m not going to ask again.”

seulgi nearly turns around, nearly begs and pleads for joohyun to please take her home. but she already knows the truth. joohyun is a cruel women, and seulgi is humiliated enough as is. so she grabs her phone and opens the car door, stepping out into the cold rain– it’s not like she has a choice. joohyun zooms off without another word, and seulgi is left on the side of the road, alone and shivering.

her fingers move of their own accord, dialing a number that’s already becoming more and more familiar.

“soojung? i need a ride.”

//

seulgi doesn’t know how long she had been standing outside, in the rain, before the jung sisters picked her up. it could have been minutes, seconds, maybe hours. all she knows is that soojung and sooyeon don’t ask any questions. they pick seulgi up from the side of the road where joohyun had abandoned her; soojung wraps seulgi in a warm blanket produced from the trunk and they sit in the backseat together, soojung’s comforting embrace finally allowing seulgi to relax in her arms as sooyeon drives seulgi home. 

seulgi’s forced her tears to dry. she’s never liked appearing weak, not even in front of soojung, and especially not in front of her cool older sister. she just focuses on the coziness around her and the familiar tune being hummed from the drivers seat– soojung whispers comforting words into her cold ears and seulgi can slowly feel herself warming up.

“you don’t need to tell me what happened,” soojung had said fifteen minutes later as she held seulgi’s hands in hers, sooyeon’s car parked outside of seulgi’s house, the lights inside already dimmed. “but i’m always a phone call away, okay?”

seulgi only nods and kisses soojung on the cheek in silent gratitude before breaking away to slip inside her house– she knows her parents are already asleep, but that doesn’t stop her from quietly tip-toeing up the stairs into her bedroom. 

and only after she’s buried herself in the soft covers of her bed does she allow herself to cry, allow herself to sob into her pillow until all of her tears have been forced out. she cries and she cries and she cries, until she falls asleep to the sound of the rain beating against her window.

//

seulgi wakes up the next day still crying.

her parents go to work and they leave her there, in bed, still crying.

she can hear her phone go off– probably seungwan or soojung, checking in on her after last night. she already knows it’s not joohyun. 

(it’s never joohyun.)

she stays in bed until noon, when she begrudgingly gets out of bed and shuffles towards the kitchen to whip together a quick lunch. any other day, she’d head to seungwan’s parents’ restaurant, no questions asked. but going there means the high probability of running into joohyun (who spends too much of her free time staring longingly at the one and only son seungwan working in the kitchen) and seulgi knows, better than anyone else, that just one look into those fatally gorgeous brown eyes will prompt all those tears all over again.

there’s a knock at the front door and seulgi answers without thinking, still clad in her pajamas and house slippers– probably just a neighbor dropping by for a quick chat. their neighbors are friendly like that. 

of course, it’s not a neighbor at her front door. seulgi can never catch a break.

“seulgi?” joohyun murmurs, stepping into the house as soon as seulgi swings open the door, wrapping up the younger girl in a intimate embrace. “seulgi, baby, are you alright?”

joohyun’s embrace feels so good and seulgi has to actively fight the urge to melt into it, to let joohyun’s warmth take away the pain. but delicate hands make their way to her waist, and seulgi jolts back, shaking off joohyun’s touch. “what are you doing here?”

“you weren’t answering my texts,” joohyun bites her lip, reaching out to caress seulgi’s cheek. “i was worried about you.”

seulgi jerks her head away sharply, joohyun’s hand just barely grazing her skin. “you were worried about me? _you?_ that’s ironic, isn’t it?”

joohyun pouts and steps closer, hands clasped together at her front as if she were begging for forgiveness. “baby, i wasn’t thinking right. i was mad and jealous and i’m sorry, seul, it won’t happen again, but–“

“but?”

“you promised,” joohyun whispers, and now she’s at seulgi’s side, wrapping her arms around seulgi’s waist once more. “you told me, remember? you promised that you’d never leave. and i see the way you treat soojung, and i just, i don’t know, i got scared.”

her words aren’t good enough excuses, but seulgi can’t help but find solace in joohyun’s touch, and, for a moment, she forgets all about the events of last night.

“you promised,” joohyun insists once more. “you’ll never leave, right?”

“i’ll never leave.” 

//

homecoming week descends on them quickly– way too quickly for seulgi’s liking.

they have a plan. friday night is the homecoming game, something that seulgi is not looking forward to, thanks to suho’s insistence on tagging along– but seungwan will be there too, and as long as seungwan’s there, she’ll be alright. then there’s the homecoming dance the day after, but seulgi already has a plan for that– she’s conveniently lost her ticket.

(joohyun won’t be happy. but joohyun’s not happy with anything seulgi does these days.)

“are you serious?” seulgi half-whispers, half-yells into her phone as she stands outside of the gates of the football field. “you can’t go?”

“parents want me to work the extra shift,” seungwan apologizes, sweet and genuine and so incredibly seungwan. “i’m sorry, seulgi, i know how things are with joohyun right now…”

“kill me now,” seulgi sighs. “seriously, murder me now. the game starts in five minutes, wan-ah, i can’t go home now–”

“i’m sure it’ll be fine–“

“they’re so affectionate, it’s disgusting,” seulgi groans, eyes darting up to see joohyun and suho sitting next to each other on the bleachers, suho feeding joohyun popcorn as they giggle and flirt.

(she wonders if suho knows how joohyun really is– if he knows how the talons come out when she gets angry.)

“you can do it,” seungwan encourages her through the phone. “i believe in you.”

“i’m going to die.”

“have fun!” 

seungwan hangs up the phone and seulgi seriously considers jogging the eight miles home, because spending hours with the dream couple of their high school sounds like literal hell on earth. 

but suho is nice– suho has always been nice, seulgi’s known that for years. so what is he doing, fawning over a girl like joohyun?

seulgi’s curiosity soon turns into pity over the course of the football game– because suho is a nice boy, but joohyun spends the entire game doting over her. joohyun shares a blanket with her, joohyun holds her hand (under the blanket, of course), joohyun warms her up when the sun sets and the cold starts to bite at seulgi’s soft skin. 

and it’s times like these, where everything almost seems worth it– where it seems like joohyun loves her, too. they’re rare, sure, and sometimes seulgi nearly gives up on their existence. but then joohyun’s attitude does a completely 180, and seulgi finds herself becoming putty in joohyun’s hands– soft and pliant and so, so easily manipulated. 

(poor suho, though. but seulgi can’t feel too bad for him. after all, at the end of the day, joohyun is suho’s and suho is joohyun’s– seulgi’s just there for joohyun’s personal enjoyment. but, hey, what else is new?)

//

somewhere along the line, seulgi’s saturday nights with seungwan and joohyun turn into saturday nights spent at the jung household, seulgi reverting back into her old ways– when she and soojung were kids, when they would race back to soojung’s house after school, when their only concerns were catching the after-school cartoons.

she misses those days. maybe that’s why she derives so much comfort from the simple gesture of sitting around the jung’s dining room table, eating pizza and gossiping with soojung and sooyeon. it’s easy. it’s uncomplicated. it’s everything that joohyun isn’t.

“why do you love her so much?” soojung asks one day, more than a little buzzed from the alcohol sooyeon had brought home. 

“it’s more than just love,” seulgi responds, laying on her back next to soojung as they gaze up at nothing in particular. “it’s like…”

“like what?”

“it’s like i can’t live without her, soojung. like, she’s my oxygen.”

“that’s stupid,” soojung sighs, ever the blunt one. “joohyun’s not your oxygen. she’s your carbon dioxide, dude. she’s killing you slowly.”

“that’s not true,” seulgi insists, grimacing as she downs the rest of her beer. “she’s… i’m bad at chemistry, okay? but i need her. i can’t function without her.”

soojung turns to face seulgi with her patented concentration face on, narrowing her eyes slowly. “that’s not romantic, seul. i don’t know if that’s what you actually believe, but that’s really not romantic. that’s toxic.”

seulgi falls asleep like that on soojung’s bedroom floor– she dreams of chemical reactions and joohyun’s poisonous mouth on hers.

//

“they broke up? already? that was fast,” seulgi comments snidely as seungwan walks her to the restaurant after school, the two girls mentally preparing for their shift as seungwan catches seulgi up on everything she’s missed since soojung started occupying most of her time.

“apparently she’s with kai now,” seungwan sighs, biting her lip worriedly. “i don’t know what she thinks she’s doing, breaking up with suho only to start going out with his best friend.”

seulgi hums as they walk, kicking the autumn leaves aside as the two best friends approach the restaurant. “you know how joohyun is,” she says, finally able to use seungwan’s favorite phrase.

seungwan smiles bitterly and shrugs her shoulders, and for once, the two girls are on the same page. “yep. you know how she is.”

they still have an hour or so until their shift starts, so they huddle in the same booth they always do as they relax, seulgi letting the stress of the school day radiate off of her as she closes her eyes.

“seul?” seungwan murmurs from the seat next to her, looking down fondly at her resting best friend.

“yes?”

“i’m so glad the universe decided to put us together.”

“me too, wan-ah,” seulgi smiles and wraps an arm around seungwan’s waist, letting the younger girl lean on her. “hey, seungwan-ah?”

“yes?”

“what do you think our universe would be like without joohyun?” the guilt hits her almost as soon as she voices her thoughts out loud– what kind of friend is she to think that? to even begin to contemplate a world without joohyun?

“you shouldn’t think about stuff like that,” seungwan reprimands her (not unkindly), head still resting on seulgi’s shoulder. “we’re lucky to have her, you know.”

“of course,” seulgi mumbles; she wonders how long joohyun’s had them both wrapped around her pretty little finger.

//

some things never change.

for example: joohyun’s tendency to stray never changes– her blossoming relationship with kai doesn’t stop her from texting seulgi late at night, doesn’t stop her from promising things she cannot give, doesn’t stop her from inviting seulgi over when she really should not.

and seulgi’s only human, of course. 

but something about this time feels different– joohyun’s touches are still as paradoxically rough and sweet, as per usual, and seulgi is still desperate and needy under her hands. but something about their encounter is different. off.

seulgi doesn’t realize it until the morning after, when she awakens in joohyun’s bed and reaches for the warmth that the older girl always seems to provide before realizing that joohyun’s already gotten up. technically, she doesn’t realize it until later, when seulgi kisses joohyun at the door before walking home– but that’s when she tastes it, realizes what she’s been missing all along.

joohyun tastes like a goodbye. 

not a dramatic goodbye, but something shorter, something more bittersweet. 

it’s not an apology, but the greed, the possession, the _poison_ in joohyun’s lips is finally gone, and seulgi’s never felt more conflicted in her life. 

because it feels like joohyun’s finally letting go. it feels like seulgi’s finally free. and seulgi should be rejoicing, should be crying from sheer happiness.

but seulgi’s still only human. and humans are self-destructive creatures, the kind that seek out primitive pleasure over and over again, even if it kills them in the end.

(she’s reminded of soojung’s chemistry metaphor– carbon dioxide. is seulgi still suffocating if joohyun’s not around to inflict her poison anymore?

but something has changed, seulgi can feel it.

it almost feels like she can breathe again.)

//

_dear joohyun,_

_i’ve been doing a lot of thinking. and by a lot, i mean a lot. about us, about our relationship, about everything._

_you were my everything, you know. you were my inspiration. you were my muse. you were my reason to wake up in the morning._

_but you were my biggest weakness– and i think that was my biggest mistake._

_love shouldn’t make you weak– i learned that from seungwan. love should make you strong, should make you empowered, make you feel like you’re on the top of the world._

_but you, joohyun? you just tore me down._

_and i let you. i let you shred me into pieces, i let you break apart my heart. i let you. because you made me weak._

_but that’s my fault. and that, bae joohyun, is why i forgive you._

_love, kang seulgi._

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @soomiii  
> twitter: @blkveivets
> 
> <3


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